In Virginia Present-Lee

Right now I am sitting in a hotel after a long day of driving.... This is going to be my last post before engaging in an internet black out until the 14th of October while I'm on retreat. I will be making my way first to Nashville, Tennessee for a weekend Jesus Caritas Retreat with the Dominican Sisters of St Cecilia and then make my way up to Michigan and then back home to Philly again. I have a map route here.

I am seriously psyched. I cannot wait! I'm on the way FINAL-LEE! (For the joke, you need to watch 1776: The Musical, you don't know nothing about American History until you've seen it). On the road is awesome too. I have a neat little compact Dodge (surprisingly fuel efficient) and had a lovely time listing to Irish folk music as I cruised the rolling landscape of Shenandoah Valley. Having fantasies about buying one of the farms I was passing and living the rest of my days there... raising some cows, riding my horse... hiking in the woods. I'll update the post after the blackout is over to put it in context.

So I leave you all with a request... a very simple one. Pray for me. Storm heaven if you can. Bug my patron saints, any special person you pray to... Please pray for me, I will need every prayer I can get. Prayers for clarity, serenity and courage all I would like is the next little step. Also praying for a giant neon sign to appear and tell me 'yes' or 'no' too. Not to fussy, either way. Thank you to you all already for your prayers and keep them up!

Padre Pio and Adventureception

It has been a rather pleasant week after coming home from Canada, steady, and routine. However this week it has hit me that this time in two weeks... I'll be on my way from Nashville, Tennessee to Alma, Michigan between retreats.

I am so beyond ready for these retreats it's not even funny. Ten months in the making and I'm counting down less than 10 days. I actually cannot wait for the quiet and to be able to briefly immerse myself in the charisms of these communities. It's the feast of Padre Pio today (or St Pius of Pietrelcina if you want to get all proper!) a bilocating, soul-reading, sometime stigmatic, Capuchin confessor and preacher, famous for pithy sayings such as,

"Pray, hope and don't worry." 

It never ceases to amaze me how somehow, things fall into place and today especially getting back in touch with the practical wisdom of this Italian friar speaks to the place I am in. I'm praying and I'm hoping and I am passed worrying, as long as I am praying and hoping.

So Friday, I leave with Ron and Kathy Feher for Kansas and to sit in on a Living in Love weekend couple retreat. Then it's back to Philly on monday and then Thursday....

... within an adventure! It's... Adventureception!

Living Paradox

While I was away, I was contacted by a friend of mine looking for a pilgrim's perspective on my experience of WYD for ABC's Religion and Ethics portal. Here is my humble contribution.

Living Paradox: A Pilgrim's Reflections on WYD 2013

Attending the opening Mass of WYD 2013 on Copacabana Beach, I was blown away by the vibrancy, the joy and the sheer mass of humanity. Never will you see so many different national flags in one place - though, paradoxically, in that same place, an event takes place that renders nationality irrelevant.

Here, people from all races and nations gather to pray and have Mass. Holy Communion has never been more literal or tangible to me than when I am standing among hundreds of people from twelve different countries lining up to receive the Eucharist. Everything in Rio is in Portuguese, so suffice to say it is a struggle to understand anything that is going on. However, we come to Mass and suddenly everything makes sense again. I know which prayers are being said, I know when to stand, to sit and to kneel as if I was at my regular parish Mass. The power of seeing thousands of flags fall still as everyone kneels at the consecration renders all our differences irrelevant. Here we are, kneeling before the sacrifice of a Jewish carpenter and we are one. We are one body, one Church, one people.
Catholicism is paradoxical. When one grasps this, both World Youth Day and the Catholic Church begin to make much more sense. The fact of the matter is the Catholic Church is not dying. I challenge anyone who announces the death of Catholicism (and religious belief in general) to come and see a World Youth Day.

http://www.abc.net.au/religion/articles/2013/07/26/3811795.htm

Sticking it to Fear

So after a good chat with the Mercy Sisters, I realised that annoying prideful instinct of mine to say, 'this stuff is easy! I don't need anyone else's help!' was the single thing that was blocking me from a deep and fulfilling spiritual life. Not only that, it absolutely had to be dealt with to move forward. It was a humbling thing for me to ask someone to hold me to account in my spiritual life. I asked a good friend of mine from uni to harass me regularly about the spiritual commitments I made.

I made a commitment to take 5 minutes every day, to sit in a blank corner and be still and to make more of an effort to be present at Sunday Mass. I explained all this to her, including my previous patterns of making a good commitment and then being unable to stick to it for more than a week. I also gave her permission to use all necessary force if the situation required. I'll admit, I was a little worried she would laugh. But my fears were unfounded, with a smile I was told it would be a delight and a privilege to do this for me. 

The next morning, that old fear kicked in.. 'What have I done? Now you're really going to look like an idiot and in front of people too!' But then, my rational self took the reins with a gentle challenge, 'So what?' The surest thing apart from death, taxes and weirdly dressed people on university campuses is that I will make mistakes and make a fool of myself. Especially in my spiritual life. Is that such a bad thing? Why am I so afraid of trying to establish a simple prayer habit? 

It has been two weeks since I asked my prayer buddy. I must say, I have been floored at the difference. Sure, ok, I've messed up on a couple of days. But this time I got right back on the horse. The first few days, my mind was like an ADHD kid on red cordial. None-the-less I am steadily getting better at this mental prayer thing. 

The space has finally allowed brought into sharp relief just how much I had let fear take control of my life and my discernment process. I had allowed it to paralyse my spiritual growth. Truly I was terrified of the answer that God might reveal to me over the coming months. Is this normal? It turns out yes. Am I still scared? Yes. The road ahead is very much into the unknown but I know that it promises to take me waaaay beyond my comfort zone and it is not going to be easy. But hey, I learned a lot from this insightful chicken.

In sum, it has been a good two weeks. Not perfect but things are moving. Tomorrow I go and pick up my Brazilian visa and then go strait to the US embassy for my US visa. I've locked in dates to see the Sisters of Life and I am going to be locking in dates for the Mercies and the Dominicans. Whether I like it or not... I'm going. 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the path of righteousness 

For his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil;

For you are with me.

That 'Punched in the Gut' Feeling

So this morning, I got up at an ungodly hour of 6 am. Ok, 6 am is not that bad... and I was treated to this stunning sight...

Sunrise out the backyard.

So I was up at 6 am to take a call from the Vocations Director of the Religious Sisters of Mercy originally from Alma, Michigan. It was a kind of getting to know you conversation and a where I'm at conversation.

For someone who had spoken to me only once before, and this was our first 'face-to-face' conversation over skype, Sister was remarkably perceptive! I shared with her the struggle I have always had with my spiritual life, and that is my inability to have discipline in my prayer life.

Now what I mean by 'disciplined' I define it as being able to stick to a commitment, no matter how small for a reasonable amount of time. Now let's give a scenario, I resolve to commit to saying a Joey Rosary (An Our Father, three Hail Marys and a Glory Be) every night before I go to sleep. It follows all the rules of such commitments, small, specific and achievable.

So first night... yep, I say my Joey Rosary and go to sleep! Second, third and fourth nights, same thing... great! Get to Friday night, I go out and come home a bit tipsy and dog-tired at 1 or 2am. Crash straight into bed. Wake up the next morning with the first thought being "Dammnit! I forgot to pray!" and I can't seem to get the groove back and I give up. It is so predictable it is a bit ridiculous.

I explained this to Sister who patiently listened. She gave me some good advice. Firstly to remove distractions visually. Even if you have to sit and face a corner... you need to de-clutter yourself visually to give your mind space to reflect. Bang. First issue I have since I am a madly visual person (Why I love studying art history).

Second, and here is the 'Punched in the Gut' part. "I'm going to give you a challenge," she said, "and you have a couple of days to think about it. I don't know you all that well, but it sounds to me like what you really need is accountability. Someone who can check in with you and ask how you're going."

Bang.

If it is one thing I have learned, it is never, ever to ignore those gut feelings, especially if it feels like you've been king-hit. That is really my problem. I have a very persistent independent streak and that is why I have never even considered the accountability person. "pssh! I don't need that! I can do this by myself!" Yeah... No I can't it turns out.

So what I am going to seek obtaining an accountability prayer partner and I am going to do it tomorrow!