Sticking it to Fear

So after a good chat with the Mercy Sisters, I realised that annoying prideful instinct of mine to say, 'this stuff is easy! I don't need anyone else's help!' was the single thing that was blocking me from a deep and fulfilling spiritual life. Not only that, it absolutely had to be dealt with to move forward. It was a humbling thing for me to ask someone to hold me to account in my spiritual life. I asked a good friend of mine from uni to harass me regularly about the spiritual commitments I made.

I made a commitment to take 5 minutes every day, to sit in a blank corner and be still and to make more of an effort to be present at Sunday Mass. I explained all this to her, including my previous patterns of making a good commitment and then being unable to stick to it for more than a week. I also gave her permission to use all necessary force if the situation required. I'll admit, I was a little worried she would laugh. But my fears were unfounded, with a smile I was told it would be a delight and a privilege to do this for me. 

The next morning, that old fear kicked in.. 'What have I done? Now you're really going to look like an idiot and in front of people too!' But then, my rational self took the reins with a gentle challenge, 'So what?' The surest thing apart from death, taxes and weirdly dressed people on university campuses is that I will make mistakes and make a fool of myself. Especially in my spiritual life. Is that such a bad thing? Why am I so afraid of trying to establish a simple prayer habit? 

It has been two weeks since I asked my prayer buddy. I must say, I have been floored at the difference. Sure, ok, I've messed up on a couple of days. But this time I got right back on the horse. The first few days, my mind was like an ADHD kid on red cordial. None-the-less I am steadily getting better at this mental prayer thing. 

The space has finally allowed brought into sharp relief just how much I had let fear take control of my life and my discernment process. I had allowed it to paralyse my spiritual growth. Truly I was terrified of the answer that God might reveal to me over the coming months. Is this normal? It turns out yes. Am I still scared? Yes. The road ahead is very much into the unknown but I know that it promises to take me waaaay beyond my comfort zone and it is not going to be easy. But hey, I learned a lot from this insightful chicken.

In sum, it has been a good two weeks. Not perfect but things are moving. Tomorrow I go and pick up my Brazilian visa and then go strait to the US embassy for my US visa. I've locked in dates to see the Sisters of Life and I am going to be locking in dates for the Mercies and the Dominicans. Whether I like it or not... I'm going. 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the path of righteousness 

For his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil;

For you are with me.