Sticking it to Fear

So after a good chat with the Mercy Sisters, I realised that annoying prideful instinct of mine to say, 'this stuff is easy! I don't need anyone else's help!' was the single thing that was blocking me from a deep and fulfilling spiritual life. Not only that, it absolutely had to be dealt with to move forward. It was a humbling thing for me to ask someone to hold me to account in my spiritual life. I asked a good friend of mine from uni to harass me regularly about the spiritual commitments I made.

I made a commitment to take 5 minutes every day, to sit in a blank corner and be still and to make more of an effort to be present at Sunday Mass. I explained all this to her, including my previous patterns of making a good commitment and then being unable to stick to it for more than a week. I also gave her permission to use all necessary force if the situation required. I'll admit, I was a little worried she would laugh. But my fears were unfounded, with a smile I was told it would be a delight and a privilege to do this for me. 

The next morning, that old fear kicked in.. 'What have I done? Now you're really going to look like an idiot and in front of people too!' But then, my rational self took the reins with a gentle challenge, 'So what?' The surest thing apart from death, taxes and weirdly dressed people on university campuses is that I will make mistakes and make a fool of myself. Especially in my spiritual life. Is that such a bad thing? Why am I so afraid of trying to establish a simple prayer habit? 

It has been two weeks since I asked my prayer buddy. I must say, I have been floored at the difference. Sure, ok, I've messed up on a couple of days. But this time I got right back on the horse. The first few days, my mind was like an ADHD kid on red cordial. None-the-less I am steadily getting better at this mental prayer thing. 

The space has finally allowed brought into sharp relief just how much I had let fear take control of my life and my discernment process. I had allowed it to paralyse my spiritual growth. Truly I was terrified of the answer that God might reveal to me over the coming months. Is this normal? It turns out yes. Am I still scared? Yes. The road ahead is very much into the unknown but I know that it promises to take me waaaay beyond my comfort zone and it is not going to be easy. But hey, I learned a lot from this insightful chicken.

In sum, it has been a good two weeks. Not perfect but things are moving. Tomorrow I go and pick up my Brazilian visa and then go strait to the US embassy for my US visa. I've locked in dates to see the Sisters of Life and I am going to be locking in dates for the Mercies and the Dominicans. Whether I like it or not... I'm going. 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the path of righteousness 

For his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil;

For you are with me.

That 'Punched in the Gut' Feeling

So this morning, I got up at an ungodly hour of 6 am. Ok, 6 am is not that bad... and I was treated to this stunning sight...

Sunrise out the backyard.

So I was up at 6 am to take a call from the Vocations Director of the Religious Sisters of Mercy originally from Alma, Michigan. It was a kind of getting to know you conversation and a where I'm at conversation.

For someone who had spoken to me only once before, and this was our first 'face-to-face' conversation over skype, Sister was remarkably perceptive! I shared with her the struggle I have always had with my spiritual life, and that is my inability to have discipline in my prayer life.

Now what I mean by 'disciplined' I define it as being able to stick to a commitment, no matter how small for a reasonable amount of time. Now let's give a scenario, I resolve to commit to saying a Joey Rosary (An Our Father, three Hail Marys and a Glory Be) every night before I go to sleep. It follows all the rules of such commitments, small, specific and achievable.

So first night... yep, I say my Joey Rosary and go to sleep! Second, third and fourth nights, same thing... great! Get to Friday night, I go out and come home a bit tipsy and dog-tired at 1 or 2am. Crash straight into bed. Wake up the next morning with the first thought being "Dammnit! I forgot to pray!" and I can't seem to get the groove back and I give up. It is so predictable it is a bit ridiculous.

I explained this to Sister who patiently listened. She gave me some good advice. Firstly to remove distractions visually. Even if you have to sit and face a corner... you need to de-clutter yourself visually to give your mind space to reflect. Bang. First issue I have since I am a madly visual person (Why I love studying art history).

Second, and here is the 'Punched in the Gut' part. "I'm going to give you a challenge," she said, "and you have a couple of days to think about it. I don't know you all that well, but it sounds to me like what you really need is accountability. Someone who can check in with you and ask how you're going."

Bang.

If it is one thing I have learned, it is never, ever to ignore those gut feelings, especially if it feels like you've been king-hit. That is really my problem. I have a very persistent independent streak and that is why I have never even considered the accountability person. "pssh! I don't need that! I can do this by myself!" Yeah... No I can't it turns out.

So what I am going to seek obtaining an accountability prayer partner and I am going to do it tomorrow!