Day 1: Transit

So, after being awake for 24 hours, I looked something like this lovely mess...

 

But, we've landed in Lima safe and sound. Apart from my inability to sleep, the flight was really comfortable. We had a newly kitted plane and the food was really good. The entirety of it was edible! I watched movies! And 6 episodes of Elementary. Highly recommend Lincoln and made the rookie error of watching a really moving Dead Man Walking whilst extremely overtired. 

Anyway, by the time that photo was taken outside the airport at Lima, I have never been more glad to settle in to a good dinner and spartan, but comfy rooms. 

In our prayer time as a group, we meditated on what grace Jesus wants to

give us and the graces we think we need this trip.

I sat there. My mind was all over the shop (my daily prayer routine got a bit lost the last week. Sorry Jay!) but I had this sense that the grace that I needed and Jesus wanted to give me is trust. 

Stumbling across these words from the little flower sealed the deal:

"Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be and becoming that person."

So Day 1 is done. Now for some much needed sleep! Goodnight! 

One Week till D-Day

Departure Day that is...

Packing is not occurring. It's not real. Why pack when there is season two of the X-Files I could be watching for old times sake! And be reading about courtroom idiot lawyers on the internet... (seriously they are hysterical read them here). It feels like such a freaking normal week that I cannot believe that I am about to leave for so long. I am saying goodbye and it is completely surreal.

So I am nearly ready... nearly. Tomorrow I am getting my crap together.

Sticking it to Fear

So after a good chat with the Mercy Sisters, I realised that annoying prideful instinct of mine to say, 'this stuff is easy! I don't need anyone else's help!' was the single thing that was blocking me from a deep and fulfilling spiritual life. Not only that, it absolutely had to be dealt with to move forward. It was a humbling thing for me to ask someone to hold me to account in my spiritual life. I asked a good friend of mine from uni to harass me regularly about the spiritual commitments I made.

I made a commitment to take 5 minutes every day, to sit in a blank corner and be still and to make more of an effort to be present at Sunday Mass. I explained all this to her, including my previous patterns of making a good commitment and then being unable to stick to it for more than a week. I also gave her permission to use all necessary force if the situation required. I'll admit, I was a little worried she would laugh. But my fears were unfounded, with a smile I was told it would be a delight and a privilege to do this for me. 

The next morning, that old fear kicked in.. 'What have I done? Now you're really going to look like an idiot and in front of people too!' But then, my rational self took the reins with a gentle challenge, 'So what?' The surest thing apart from death, taxes and weirdly dressed people on university campuses is that I will make mistakes and make a fool of myself. Especially in my spiritual life. Is that such a bad thing? Why am I so afraid of trying to establish a simple prayer habit? 

It has been two weeks since I asked my prayer buddy. I must say, I have been floored at the difference. Sure, ok, I've messed up on a couple of days. But this time I got right back on the horse. The first few days, my mind was like an ADHD kid on red cordial. None-the-less I am steadily getting better at this mental prayer thing. 

The space has finally allowed brought into sharp relief just how much I had let fear take control of my life and my discernment process. I had allowed it to paralyse my spiritual growth. Truly I was terrified of the answer that God might reveal to me over the coming months. Is this normal? It turns out yes. Am I still scared? Yes. The road ahead is very much into the unknown but I know that it promises to take me waaaay beyond my comfort zone and it is not going to be easy. But hey, I learned a lot from this insightful chicken.

In sum, it has been a good two weeks. Not perfect but things are moving. Tomorrow I go and pick up my Brazilian visa and then go strait to the US embassy for my US visa. I've locked in dates to see the Sisters of Life and I am going to be locking in dates for the Mercies and the Dominicans. Whether I like it or not... I'm going. 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the path of righteousness 

For his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil;

For you are with me.

That 'Punched in the Gut' Feeling

So this morning, I got up at an ungodly hour of 6 am. Ok, 6 am is not that bad... and I was treated to this stunning sight...

Sunrise out the backyard.

So I was up at 6 am to take a call from the Vocations Director of the Religious Sisters of Mercy originally from Alma, Michigan. It was a kind of getting to know you conversation and a where I'm at conversation.

For someone who had spoken to me only once before, and this was our first 'face-to-face' conversation over skype, Sister was remarkably perceptive! I shared with her the struggle I have always had with my spiritual life, and that is my inability to have discipline in my prayer life.

Now what I mean by 'disciplined' I define it as being able to stick to a commitment, no matter how small for a reasonable amount of time. Now let's give a scenario, I resolve to commit to saying a Joey Rosary (An Our Father, three Hail Marys and a Glory Be) every night before I go to sleep. It follows all the rules of such commitments, small, specific and achievable.

So first night... yep, I say my Joey Rosary and go to sleep! Second, third and fourth nights, same thing... great! Get to Friday night, I go out and come home a bit tipsy and dog-tired at 1 or 2am. Crash straight into bed. Wake up the next morning with the first thought being "Dammnit! I forgot to pray!" and I can't seem to get the groove back and I give up. It is so predictable it is a bit ridiculous.

I explained this to Sister who patiently listened. She gave me some good advice. Firstly to remove distractions visually. Even if you have to sit and face a corner... you need to de-clutter yourself visually to give your mind space to reflect. Bang. First issue I have since I am a madly visual person (Why I love studying art history).

Second, and here is the 'Punched in the Gut' part. "I'm going to give you a challenge," she said, "and you have a couple of days to think about it. I don't know you all that well, but it sounds to me like what you really need is accountability. Someone who can check in with you and ask how you're going."

Bang.

If it is one thing I have learned, it is never, ever to ignore those gut feelings, especially if it feels like you've been king-hit. That is really my problem. I have a very persistent independent streak and that is why I have never even considered the accountability person. "pssh! I don't need that! I can do this by myself!" Yeah... No I can't it turns out.

So what I am going to seek obtaining an accountability prayer partner and I am going to do it tomorrow!

What you will not find on this blog...

Hello all unfortunate souls who has stumbled upon this corner of the internet!

 Welcome to my Domain!

As you can see this blog is called 'Rebel Catholic'. Now what does 'Catholic' Bring to mind?

Something like this....

Or maybe this...

Now what does 'rebel' call to mind? Perhaps something like this...

These dudes are the Sex Pistols by the way... google it!

So put them both together and 'Rebel Catholic' may conjure images such as these lovely ladies...

Or maybe this guy, Fr Peter Kennedy, the rebel priest from Queensland

However... if the above is what you think you will find here, you need to keep looking I'm afraid. 

See, the rather unfortunate thing about today's world is that rebelling against backwards, dinosauric, ancient dusty, musty, out-of-touch [insert own cliched adjective] Catholic Church is actually rather fashionable. Everybody seems to be doing it and on top of that, they go out into the world loudly proclaiming their noble rebellion seeking pats on the back from the media establishment who praise for their virtuous trumpeting against the tyranny of that of old, celibate man who wants to oppress women, shove them in the kitchen and pop out catholic babies, make sure everybody dies of HIV, ban sex, and generally make sure there is such a massive list of rules-you-have-to-follow-or-else-you-go-to-hell and therefore make your life as miserable as possible. 

*yawn* I have to say, I am rather bored by it all. Bored and irked that these people who don't take the time to actually know the Church have the audacity to spout reams and reams vacuous material about its evils and apparent contradictions (and then proudly brand themselves as 'liberal' or 'rebel' Catholics) basically making my life much more annoying in normal conversations with normal people. 

Well I say to you... get off your damn high horse! And go and look up the definition of 'rebel' and then do us a favour and read the damn Catechism. You are not a rebel. You are a narcissistic people-pleaser.

You want to see a real rebel? 

The Sisters of Life. Check them out. They are amazing and they are life savers.

BOOM. There you have it. Celibate women in habits. Women who choose to make themselves gifts of love to the world. Women who have the world as their oyster, but choose to say "no, I want something different." These ladies, won't go on the airwaves and interwebs touting their virtue and rebel status. They go and serve people. 

These women won't be praised for their stand. At best they will get quizzical looks at worst, people wills spit on them and accuse them of various sexual deviance masquerading as righteousness. But you know what... they don't give a damn because their self-esteem doesn't rely on backscratching internet commentary. They know their worth lies in the fact that Jesus loves them and he liked he put a ring on it! 

I can't even come close to the level these women are at. Firstly because I am writing a blog and touting my rebels status for the world to see. (Hey I'm still working on the virtue of humility here!) Secondly because I am a rather pathetic excuse for a Catholic. I struggle to get off my backside to go to Mass on Sunday, I suck at praying regularly, and I am known to a prideful arrogant brat. My only redeeming feature, my shameless nerdiness for all things Catholic, historical, artistic and Tolkein and insatiable appetite to learn and go deeper.

So in summary... I am Catholic. I don't do what society expects of a Gen-Y university graduate. Ergo, I am a rebel. Not perfect, but trying my darned hardest to be the person I was created to be. This blog will not find cries for women priests, the Church to approve contraception and abortion and gay 'marriage' or for the Church to stop telling people what to do (which she doesn't by the way). You will find a document of one poor broken sod trying to walk the road less traveled.

So I sign off in the words of Truman Burbank:

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

The Cardinal O'Connor Conference

We all met at the local train station that morning at 7 to head over to the Cardinal O'Connor Conference at Georgetown University. Georgetown University is annoyingly inaccessible by subway so we ended up in cabs over the rest of the way. My jaw dropped. It was so pretty, stunning buildings covered in a light dusting of snow everywhere. The building we were in was amazing. The main auditorium was like walking into another world, if only everyone was in pantaloons and hoop skirts!

Our opening keynote was given by Archbishop Chaput. He is a very tiny man! I'll give it to him, he doesn't mince words and is a wonderful mix of realism but still holds a vision of something better, a difficult rope to balance. He spoke about the importance of religious liberty, freedom OF religion as opposed to freedom FROM religion.  We had a bit of Q&A afterwards and I got up to represent. I asked him for advice around the Australian Political culture and how difficult it is to bring religion into the public square in Australia. His advice: "Get over it." Religious people need to just put it out there because it matters and to hell with the rest of it.

We then had the first workshop. There was a pretty impressive line up of speakers. The first one we decided to go to was Vicki Thorn who's workshop was the Science of Theology of the Body. I really enjoyed it but I wasn't too sure at one or two of the things, I would want to check the research myself but I don't really have the time. We then had lunch which were ginormous sandwiches with lots of sandwich meat on it. Just the way I like it. It was then onto the next workshop. We all split up and I went to a workshop with a Jesuit on Natural Law and abortion. He was also excellent, going through it step by logical step. The Q&A time on the end got sidetracked by a guy talking about the governor of Maryland who he thinks should be excommunicated. Other than that it was good.

It was then back to the auditorium for the panel of Congressmen & women. I have to admit, I fell asleep. I lasted about 15 minutes and I just couldn't keep my eyes open and the seats were comfy and the room was warm and... I dozed in and out until the end... I felt really bad, everything was painfully interesting, but I was so tired. Apparently everyone was also passed out cold asleep too! Ha there! I'm not just rude!

It was then straight to the National Shrine which was where the overnight vigil was being held. When we got there the church was overflowing already! Mass wasn't due to start till 8 pm and it was 6! We just squeezed in seats anywhere we could. I went for a walk around the upper basilica saying a rosary. Every side chapel had a significant Marian theme. It took me quite a while to get around there, there were that many people! I eventually went down into the crypt to find a spot to sit. Mary joined me and while we were waiting for Mass to start we said a rosary. Mass was pretty full on. The entrance procession of all the deacons, priests, bishops and cardinals took 45 minutes! The mass was the full bells and smells shebang. It took a long.... time.... but it was nice to go to a mass like that once in a while.

The vigil at the Basilica would be going all night so we left after mass and headed back on the subway to our homestay at around 10. When we got to west Hyattsville, we were all starving cos we didn't have dinner! So we went to the KFC, and the drive through was thank God still open! So we got KFC and took it back to homestay. I got into a bit of discussion with Anitra and didn't get to sleep till 1:30 am. And we had an early start the next day too!

On the road... AGAIN

So we had to get up early, I had had a very bad sleep the night before, being up till about 3:30 am and having to get up and be on the bus by 8:30. On the plus side it was snowing! We got a whole couple of inches as we were leaving but we had a 5 hr bus ride ahead. We had a stop over on the outskirts of Delaware and I regret the Burger King... it was bad. We arrived in DC finally straight over to the Catholic Information Centre in the middle of the city. We had a mass in the chapel there with Bishop Peter and it was the feast of St Agnes!

We hung out in the book store for a while before heading over to Starbucks and then the Hyatt Regency hotel for this Youth Rally were were attending. I confess I went a bit nuts in the bookstore. They are a lot cheaper in the States but I managed to moderate myself by buying 4 C.S. Lewis books, one for Mum on the Jewish origins on the Eucharist and a TOB book. We then hung out at Starbucks for a bit because of the free wifi! We also got chatting to bunch of the Occupy people who were in tents across the road. I would have dearly loved to probe them a bit more, but I was not mentally up for the challenge. We had to get to the Hyatt hotel anyway!

We got to the Hyatt and took some seats about mid way down. We were a little late and it seemed that things were already happening. So we sat in and listened. It was an ecumenical gathering and the spirit of unity was quite inspiring, but it was also highly emotive and very firebrand. Lots of political action talk and also lots of testimonials from people working on the 'front lines.' About an hour into it a bunch of people dispersed in the room stood up and started yelling in protest of us. I had a momentary freak out thinking back to Madrid and I was ready to throw punches if I had to. A couple of them were close to our group and I got a good look at their faces and was able to relax, there was no venom like I saw in Madrid, just a little bit of yelling and screaming. Lila Rose took to the stage and some how managed to drown them out with a prayer. They were eventually removed by security.

The rally continued on as if it never happened. I have to say it was very overlong and in such a charged environment it was not the best idea. It was a little too much for me, I'm not sure that it is the right approach. We were so tired as well which didn't help. So at 10 pm we packed it in and headed for our home stay families. Matt and Jollene took Me, Jo, Anitra, and Donabel. They had three little ones, two of whom we met. We chatted for an hour over cookies and then collapsed into bed.