Suores Vitae Part I

It is wednesday, sitting in my hotel room in Midtown Manhattan and I can finally start detailing my adventure with the Sisters of Life.

It began on the 17th of November. I arrived at on a chilly New York evening, dropped my bags off their Convent on W 51st Street and then headed to meet them at St Patrick's Cathedral. They were doing Night Fever. It was huge, the doors of St Patrick's were thrown open, with Eucharistic Adoration going on and confession too. The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs) were doing music and more CFRs and sisters of life were inviting people in to pray and light a candle. It was a good way to begin the next 17 days. 

I settled into my room at the postulant house in the Bronx. Not the dodgy part of the Bronx... The really nice part!

Saturday it was up early to go out to Villa Maria Guadalupe in Stamford, Conneticut for the Coworker Formation Day. What a full on day! Communication skills, talks by the sisters, food... 60 people from all over the place to help out the sisters. 

The talk that had the biggest impact on me was Mother Agnes' Delighting in Her talk. It essentially boiled down to this...

We can only truly will the good for someone else (i.e. Love them) when we perceive and receive their intrinsic goodness first. Otherwise we are not working for their good, we are working because we are good. 

Kinda makes you rethink your whole interpersonal relations ever. I got a lot out of that day. But alas, it was only a day and we made our way back to the Bronx in the evening for dinner and sleep. It was then up for a regular week. Up at 5 am, morning prayer, meditation and mass followed by breakfast in silence (silence till midday usually). It was then off to the days activites. 

Tuesdays it was off to the Mother House about 30 minutes upstate for philosophy classes with a brilliant Jesuit and Sr Mary Gabriel. A rousing game of soccer, ultimate frizbee or football in between, this week it was soccer. 

Wednesday was apostolic day where the postulants were split up and sent to what ever tasks needed doing. I was sent to the Apostolic Centre in Manhattan to help sort out a huge load of donations that came in. Mostly clothes. Friday was a day of silence and prayer.

I also had a whole library of spiritual reading and at Sr Antoniana's recommendation, I dived into Fr Timothy Gallagher's Discernment of Spirits and Ignatian spirituality. 

I was busy. Which was a good thing, considering I spent the entire freaking week in the throughs of spiritual desolation. It was not fun. At all. The whole week was numb and blah, going through the motions. 

It was not fun. It was frustrating and discouraging. Being caught in a cycle of despondency is really not fun. I have no idea how Mother Teresa lived and was productive for decades in that state. Thank God for Sr Antoniana. Thursday afternoon she says "Kiara, how do you feel about going on the Young Adult Retreat we were talking about? I've signed you up!" 

So Friday afternoon, Sr Virginia Joy drives me out to Villa Maria again for a retreat with 40 other young people. The retreat began in the evenin with dinner a conference and vocation story from Sr Filumena, the first kiwi Novice. Following that was a Eucharistic Healing service where the monstrance is bought down and you can get close and touch it.

That was my lowest point. I went up and knelt before Jesus and felt nothing, just blah. Confession was going on so I went and the wisdom of the young priest was just what I needed. I was still in desolation, but I came to grips with it and was able to move to a place where I could resist it.

The Saturday was a much better day. It was a silent day so I walked the grounds and read, there were a couple of conferences and spent every opportunity in the Chapel. I was still feeling the desolation but I had better sense of what this was and perhaps why I was suffering it. 

Saturday night was party time! We had an All Saints costume party. Complete with Purgatory, the place you go to 'clothe yourself in sainthood' if you didn't bring a costume. I dressed up as GK Chesterton. It was hilarious. No his technically not a saint, but his cause is open for canonisation.

There you have it! We also had Irish dancing going on in the basement and the we make a fire. Unfortunately we only had green wood so Sr May Karen and I split it into matchsticks to make it burn. No, I don't have a photo of Sr Mary Karen and an axe. 

Sunday was the final conferences finishing with Sr Mary Loretta. This little lady from Brooklyn has the most phenomenal charism for evangelism I have ever seen. No matter who you are, she can talk about Jesus to you. I left that retreat with a shot in the arm spiritually but I was not quite out of the woods yet. 

Stay tuned for part II in a couple of days!

Suores Vitae Part II

Sunday night at Villa Maria, I was picked and brought back to the Bronx for a beginning of a new week. That retreat was the shot in the arm I needed.

So I was back for dinner in the Bronx and it was nice to get back to some ordinary time with the postulants. So Monday was the usual, but we got a sleep in! Except I couldn't get up... I was held hostage by a vivid dream of a deformed cow following me around ringing a bell and reciting Shakespeare... No joke. It was weird. I have no idea what it may mean but I promise I'm not consuming any kind of hallucinogens. We caught up with all the news from the Sister's visiting day on Sunday over meals and got stuck into the various chores around the place.

Tuesday I headed back up to Villa Maria Guadalupe with Sr Filumena the Kiwi novice and a load of food for the Come and See Retreat and it was snowing! The first snow of the season and I was very excited! Look!

I spent the day helping Sr Josemaria fold laundry... lots of laundry. Like, 60 loads of sheets and towels. In between the usual prayer routine of the Sisters. Wednesday was much the same, running around with the postulants, cleaning, making beds getting the retreat wing ready for the retreat. I was absolutely wasted by the end of the day. But before everyone arrived it was baking time! 700 chocolate chip cookies and raspberry thumbprint cookies... They were for the Advent celebration and I exercised the utmost self control not to attack the dough and eat it. Sr Loretta was making Mexican wedding cookies too. The smells were amazing.

Thursday was retreat day! The postulants and sisters banned me from doing anything. So I relaxed and got prepared for the retreats. For the last few days I had been recording the spiritual movements to discern any patterns, Ignatian style. Honestly, Fr Timothy Gallagher's books were the most useful things I have read this entire time. I highly recommend anyone trying to make sense of God's will grab those books.

By dinner time about 40 of us retreatants had arrived and were getting settled in. After evening prayers and dinner, we had a vocations talk from Sr Mary Karen, my favourite Sister of Life, the most hilarious and sarcastic Virginian nun you will ever come across. It was hilarious and awesome and it was the first time she had ever shared this. We then had an introductory conference from Sr Antoniana and we were away!

Friday was a huge day, after morning prayer, meditation, mass and breakfast we were away to the Bronx to pray outside an abortion clinic for an hour. We prayed the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet and sang a few hymns in a rough part of the Bronx. It was then on to St Patrick's Cathedral to visit Cardinal O'Connor's tomb under the main altar. That was awesome. Fulton Sheen was buried there too as well as Pierre Tousset a Haitian slave who became the hairdresser to the upper classes of New York and almost completely funded the building of Old St Pats as well as diving into Typhoid outbreaks to assist the sick and giving away everything he earned.

After that we headed over to Sacred heart which is their house of Holy Respite. i.e. Pregnant women come and live with the Sisters about 7 of them at once until about 6 months after the birth of their baby. We had lunch and listened to one of the women who had formerly lived with them. She was incredible! A year and half ago, she was pregnant, alone in NYC and had no where else to go. Now she has a beautiful daughter, has a full time job in Public Policy a nice apartment and whole-heartedly embraced her faith (She is a 7th Day Adventist).

We then headed back to Stamford after a tour of the house and an afternoon chatting with the sisters there and some of the residents there and their little babies. We were pretty wiped. It had been a long day. But we were not done yet! And God certainly wasn't done with me either. After dinner we had a Eucharist Healing service like last Friday.

This was my moment. I was in a space of consolation. I just simply prayed, "I'm here. I'm listening. I've discerned this, but I'm yours. I will do what ever you ask. How about that neon sign?" I went up to the altar rail, the monstrance was before me. I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders, an overwhelming sense of peace. I went back to the pew. I felt a voice well up from within. (I'm not nuts I'm not hearing voices!) It was not my own voice, but a deeper one. It simply said, "he's waiting for you."

That was it. I had my answer. I am not called to be a sister, I am called to marriage. I wanted to run around singing at the top of my lungs. But of course, we had begun our 24 hour silent part of the retreat. I had this awesome grace and I can't tell anyone! But that was ok! It was bed time after holy hour and evening prayer and I got the best sleep and woke up to a beautiful, clear and warm winter day.

After breakfast and morning prayer we had a conference and then the rest of the day was free for our own personal prayer and reflection as well as meetings with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy or Sr Mary Gabriel. All morning it was little confirmations. The scripture meditations I was following weren't doing it for me. So I reopened my bible and it fell open to the marriage of Tobias and Sarah. I wandered over to the Cardinal O'Connor table and found the only thing he wrote on the vocation of marriage.

I had a meeting with Sr Virginia Joy scheduled for after lunch and as soon as that door closed I was out with it! She was so happy too! We had a good laugh and after I went for a hike through the near by woods, had a nap, then talking ended after dinner and we played a team-charades relay game which was friggin hysterical. We then had Q&A on slips of paper with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy, Sr Mary Gabriel and Sr Talitha. Also a lot of fun, especially with the last question. Some smart-arse asked if Sisters shave. It got a drum roll and had all the sisters in stitches.

Sunday rolled around and it was my last day. I was feeling a bit lost and I didn't want to leave! But it was time. I got to hug everyone and drove into the city. I felt at peace. I finally had my answer and it was time for me to go out on my own. I did get a photo with my all time favourite Sister, Sr Mary Karen.

There you have it! I'm not called to be a sister! I'm home soon, but not after a week in NYC, my Birthday and Thanksgiving and hopefully some more snow before heading back on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

What have I discovered?

So its about time I wrote a bit more about what happened over the last couple of weeks. I had an awesome time in Steubenville, unwinding, watching TV, hanging out with mates. Oh how I missed the company of menfolk! I literally spent two weeks with women. Which was wonderful but I have never been that long without the company of boys in my life.

All that aside, I spent a lot of time in prayer. No? You don't say? Yeah, yeah I know... stating the obvious right? On Wednesday I was having a bit of a hard time. I was frustrated and anxious with this whole thing. I just wanted a damn answer! Is that too much to ask? So anyway... around rolled 5pm and it was time for Holy Hour so I went and I threw it (none too gently) at Jesus.

Well I can't really explain what happened... but it hit me. I was such an idiot. The answer was sitting right in front of me on the altar, Jesus. He was it. It didn't matter what I did or who I became. He was the answer, I keep him right there in front of me and nothing else matters. I almost started laughing. The clarity was such a relief, such a weight lifted from my soul. It didn't matter what was ahead, I knew who would be at the centre of it, no matter how good or bad the future might be.

I was safe in his care. He had me by the hand and was taking me on this adventure. Whenever I tripped, it was because I wasn't watching him, I was looking back or somewhere else. But he'd still pick me up and carry on...

So I did have some clarity by the end of the week. When discerning a vocation, there are two questions, question a) do you have a religious vocation? and b) to which community do you belong? The whole time I was with the Mercies. I fell in love with the way they do things, their Charism and their mission. So question b) has an answer, but not question a). I left the Mercies with a sense an image of Jesus sitting there, smirking and saying "Wait for it.... wait for it...."I gave Jesus 6 months, and he's going to use every minute of it. The next adventure is with the Sisters of Life next week. Hopefully he won't keep me in suspense much longer!

Alma Mercy

I arrived in Alma on Monday afternoon at about 4pm, completely missing the motherhouse at first seeing as they are spread out up and down Michigan Ave. It was then grab a quick cup of tea before being thrown straight into the routine with Holy Hour.

I was then fully into the routine with morning prayer being at 4:45 am or 7 am (depending on the day).

It was days filled with lots of chapel time, chores, helping out with the seasonal chores, like processing millions of apples, raking leaves and mowing lawns, attending a couple of classes with the novices and postulants and alternating for dinner between the Postulant, Novice and Convent house. Half of Wednesday was spent at the multi-specialty medical clinic the sisters run.

The official retreat started on the Friday afternoon when the other three retreatants arrived with Sr Mary Hanah, the Vocations director of the Mercy Sisters. It was a really relaxing retreat over all and I felt truly at home with the sisters here. This post is just a quick of what I did when. I'll be posting over the week about what was going on internally too.

Tuesday

It was up for 4:45 am morning prayer, meditation and Mass. It was also freezing cold but I made it to Our Lady of Grace before I turned into an icicle. Mass finished around twenty past seven, with the sun just rising and it was breakfast time before heading back to Our Lady of Grace to help with the apple harvest processing. Sorting and peeling and slicing lots of apples for apple sauce.

It was then their apostolic lunch with all the sisters and anyone else who wants to join. After helping the novices clean up I went back to St Joseph's retreat house, relaxing and doing some reading. 5:10 pm was back to Our Lady of Grace for Holy Hour which is a really lovely way wrap up the day. It was then dinner at Novice house, about 2 blocks down from St Joseph's. 

There are 7 novices currently, including one Australian from Castle Hill and an Italian from Pisa! It was a whirl of names, made all the more confusing because they all had some form of Mary in their name, Sr Mary Rafka, Sr Mary Faustina, Sr Maylea, Sr Pia Marie, Sr Mary Josepha, Sr Mary Elisha, Sr Paul Mary, and their formator Sr Mary Nika. They are all in their first year canonical Novitiate which is spent at the motherhouse in pretty intense formation. We played Bananangrams after dinner (like scrabble but with out the board) and then it was bedtime for me.

Wednesday

It was a later start for me today! With morning prayer with the Postulants scheduled at 8 am in St Thomas Chapel followed by Mass at the clinic and two hours of Adoration in the chapel there. I had St Catherine of Siena's Dialouges and reading the one on prayer. It's not an easy read since it's stream of conscious but she made a lot of sense in talking about the progression to contemplative and mental prayer.

It was a quick lunch in the break room at the clinic and then back to the postulant house. Sr Gabrielle Mary enlisted me in mowing the lawns. So I got the hand mower and did all the nooks and crannies over three hours of their huge block. Then it was holy hour and dinner with the Postulants. There are four of them, Sr Brandy, Sr Nealy, Sr Jennifer and Sr Maria. They have a year for Postulancy which is made up of classes, weekly spiritual formation, and learning about the life and rhythms of the Mercies.

It was then bed and another early start for Thursday!

Thursday

It was an early start with morning prayer and mass. Today I had the morning to myself. It was an apostolic lunch back at Our Lady of Grace and after lunch it was a scripture class with the novices and postulants. One of the retired bishops whose name I have forgotten taught the class. He was an incredibly smart man but also even in his 80s clearly loved being a priest. During the break he pulled me aside for a chat and he was so lovely! It was one of my most special moments on the whole week!

It was dinner that night with the novices and we I got invited to hell! Not literally, but I tagged along for the last of a series they were watching on Dante's Inferno, it was the Last Circle of hell that night so that was fun. It was then crash into bed for a merciful sleep in tomorrow.

Friday

Today was a late start with morning prayer at 8 am. The afternoon was taken up with confession and a ecclesiology lesson with the postulants. Then it was race back to St Joseph's to greet the three new retreatants and Sr Mary Hanah. Sr Mary Hanah arrived fashionably late after Po Yee, Andrea and Kelly had arrived and we'd settled in for banana bread and tea. Sr Mary Hanah gave us a brief introduction to discernment. She gave us a really useful definition of prudence. It has three parts to it, the first is gathering information, the second is making a decision and the third is acting on that decision in good time. The third bit is the critical bit. People often fail to get to the las bit of acting on the decision made. 

It was then off to holy hour and evening prayer followed by dinner with the novices. We got to hear some of the stories from the novices and Sr Mary Nika who is a canon lawyer told some great stories about being sent to Rome to study canon law in Italian not knowing a word of it. She also explained how religious life fits into the life of the Church. We then had a massive game of charades which had us all in stitches and then it was back to St Josephs for bed and a chat.

Saturday

It was another sleep in on Saturday with an 8 am rise for morning prayer and mass and after that it was into work! Raking leaves and making applesauce. Kelly and I teamed up and did raking first. I found a garter snake and a little frog! Then it was to the apples with the novices. We filled about 4 slow cookers full of apples for apple sauce. 

It was then lunch with the whole convent in the Postulant house. All the guest sisters were there, There was a carmelite a poor clare, two missionaries of charity, and two sisters of the holy spirit (They are cloistered order and their habits are pink!)

After lunch it was a tour of the clinic by Mother Mary Rebecca. They have a multi-specialty clinic, with  Mother Mary Rebecca as a general surgeon, Sr Marisha a psychiatrist, three more physicians and a physical therapist. It is an amazing project. Mother Mary Rebecca also begun a specialised wound clinic that specialised in chronic wounds. Another Sister in Knoxville has just put together a mobile clinic to go to the Appalachians. The sisters are also canon lawyers, theologians, and teachers.

It was then dinner at the convent with the fully professed sisters. We spent the dinner learning about the history and the charism of the Mercy sisters. Hearing their stories and was wonderful as was some of the work they were doing. It was then an early night for me and I crashed hard...

Sunday

Sunday it was morning prayer and mass at 8 am followed by breakfast back at the house. It was then rest time and lunch with the Novices and I had a chat with Sr Mary Hanah about how I was going. It was holy hour in the late afternoon followed by dinner with the postulants and a good table time chat about how Postulancy works and hearing some of the stories of their vocation. It was then back to St Joseph's for bed. 

Monday

Monday morning it was time to pack up and head home. Sr Mary Hanah came and had breakfast with us after 5:45 am prayers and mass. We had a nice chat over eggs and toast. After sorting out the house, I said goodbye to everyone and got in the car heading off to Steubenville for a new adventure!

Nashville Dominicans

It is sunday evening in a hotel room in Indianapolis and I have driven four and a half hours to make my way to Alma, Michigan. I spent the weekend in Nashville with the Dominican Sisters of St Cecilia on retreat. It was a huge retreat with about 60 of us all up, all of us discerning something.

It was a glimpse into the life of these sisters, which is one that brings the Medieval monasticism into the 21st Century. Arriving on Friday afternoon, we began with some introductory stuff and a talk by Fr Kirby on Pope Francis and Poverty in Spirit. Then we joined the sisters for evening prayer which is in english, but chanted to an 800 year old tune. I had visions of a slender, tapering gothic church and medieval habits. The last of the sun streaming through the stained glass windows and candles to light the dark corners.

We kept the sister's routine of prayer, mass, mealtimes, silence, talks and recreation, met some lovely girls from all over the US and Canada and spent a lot of time praying and trying to be quiet. Honestly, I was so ready for this retreat but I just felt ill at ease. The sisters are beautiful, joyful and amazing women but I didn't feel quite at home.

As I was leaving on Sunday afternoon, it hit me why I was feeling a bit strange. This is the longest time I have been without any significant masculine presence. Ever. Seriously, I have never been without my guy friends or brothers or uncles, or my dad or my grandfathers being around. I felt a bit coarse and unrefined being around the sisters.

In Virginia Present-Lee

Right now I am sitting in a hotel after a long day of driving.... This is going to be my last post before engaging in an internet black out until the 14th of October while I'm on retreat. I will be making my way first to Nashville, Tennessee for a weekend Jesus Caritas Retreat with the Dominican Sisters of St Cecilia and then make my way up to Michigan and then back home to Philly again. I have a map route here.

I am seriously psyched. I cannot wait! I'm on the way FINAL-LEE! (For the joke, you need to watch 1776: The Musical, you don't know nothing about American History until you've seen it). On the road is awesome too. I have a neat little compact Dodge (surprisingly fuel efficient) and had a lovely time listing to Irish folk music as I cruised the rolling landscape of Shenandoah Valley. Having fantasies about buying one of the farms I was passing and living the rest of my days there... raising some cows, riding my horse... hiking in the woods. I'll update the post after the blackout is over to put it in context.

So I leave you all with a request... a very simple one. Pray for me. Storm heaven if you can. Bug my patron saints, any special person you pray to... Please pray for me, I will need every prayer I can get. Prayers for clarity, serenity and courage all I would like is the next little step. Also praying for a giant neon sign to appear and tell me 'yes' or 'no' too. Not to fussy, either way. Thank you to you all already for your prayers and keep them up!

Padre Pio and Adventureception

It has been a rather pleasant week after coming home from Canada, steady, and routine. However this week it has hit me that this time in two weeks... I'll be on my way from Nashville, Tennessee to Alma, Michigan between retreats.

I am so beyond ready for these retreats it's not even funny. Ten months in the making and I'm counting down less than 10 days. I actually cannot wait for the quiet and to be able to briefly immerse myself in the charisms of these communities. It's the feast of Padre Pio today (or St Pius of Pietrelcina if you want to get all proper!) a bilocating, soul-reading, sometime stigmatic, Capuchin confessor and preacher, famous for pithy sayings such as,

"Pray, hope and don't worry." 

It never ceases to amaze me how somehow, things fall into place and today especially getting back in touch with the practical wisdom of this Italian friar speaks to the place I am in. I'm praying and I'm hoping and I am passed worrying, as long as I am praying and hoping.

So Friday, I leave with Ron and Kathy Feher for Kansas and to sit in on a Living in Love weekend couple retreat. Then it's back to Philly on monday and then Thursday....

... within an adventure! It's... Adventureception!

I wen on an adventure!

So two tuesdays ago, I Katie invited me on a road trip to Nova Scotia, Canada. She had a wedding and I was itching for something different so I said yes! Canada is just beautiful. It took us 20 hours from Connecticut on the trip up... taking a route up through the northwest of Main and New Brunswick and then down the Nova Scotia peninsular. White Point beach was just beautiful between the Atlantic ocean and a lake surrounded by white birch forrest.

But enough of me talking... I took a video of the trip so let that do the talking...

Shieldmaiden's Mirror

Hello once again, and welcome to another instalment of this blog featuring my TOB immersion course.
One part of what has really been unfolding for me in the last week and a bit has to do with femininity and my identity. This is truly a major thing for me, but first a bit of context....

The running joke in my family is that should have been born with a Y-chromosome. When it comes to movies, I pick Braveheart, or Die Hard over Titanic (*gag*) or The Notebook (why the hell would it be entertaining to watch something that just makes you cry?). I have never afraid to run around, scrape my knee, climb trees or let an outfit get in the way of having fun (at least until I started paying for them). I was big sister to only brothers until I was eight years old, and when we played various versions of 'knights and damsels', the damsel was certainly not me! We took turns being the knight or dragon. I picked martial arts and horse riding (not as girly as you think) over netball or touch football, my most recent one being historic western sword fighting. Once I got out of an all-girls high school, most of my friends are male (barring a few delightful exceptions, you know who you are!)

In short, I liked to think of myself as a tomboy, however I also like pretty dresses, sparkly jewels and butterflies. Not that I would ever necessarily lead with this kind of description of myself. Ever. These idiosyncrasies would be discovered by the foolhardy people who decided to get to know me better.

I have always struggled with my identity as feminine simply because I am not a 'pearls and pastels' kind of girl. I hate pastels (unless its blue). I am not softly-spoken, in fact I have two volumes, loud and louder and certainly not delicate in declaring my opinion when necessary. I have callouses on my hands and feet, I like dangerous, pointy things and explodey things and fire. I never really felt 'feminine' unless I was wearing a pretty dress and even then, it was a persona. Not really me.

I used to go to these talks on the 'feminine genius' and Catholic femininity and I would come away frustrated and disgruntled. Here were these pretty, gentle women in chiffon skirts and mary-jane pumps giving these talks with the same kind of holy card Mary in the slideshow. You know the ones. Well it did not sit well with me at all. I had no really appreciation for Mary or desire to relate to pearled, pastelled and perfect Mother of God.

So I looked to literature and movies for more realistic role models. I really resonated with Tamora Pierce's first heroine, Alanna of Trebond a girl who wants to be a knight and disguises herself as a boy to do so, and changes the course of history and saves the kingdom in the process.

I also loved Katerina in The Taming of the Shrew (still my favourite Shakespeare play) and I especially loved Julia Stile's interpretation in 10 Things I Hate About You. I wanted to be her when I grew up (from the perspective of a 14 year old).

Then I was introduced to Lord of the Rings via the movies and I found my alter ego, Èowyn.

This is Èowyn, daughter of Èomund and niece of King Thèoden of Rohan (if you have never seen/read the books, read this brief summary before carrying on). All the time I was on this TOB immersion, she kept coming to my mind and I realised, she was more than an alter ego, she was my mirror. We all encounter people or characters in our lives that become a life-long presence because of their uncanny identicalness. Their ability to be a reflection to us allows us to see things that we might not have seen otherwise.

There was one scene in particular that kept popping up when I was praying and reflecting. This critical scene...

People who give Tolkien crap for putting women on pedestals and making them useless clearly haven't read the book. Èowyn is no delicate muppet on a pedestal. She is raw and so very real, someone who is willing to risk life, limb, identity and sanity for the people she loves. She comes to the battle of the age not as herself, but as a man and she fights as well as any of her peers. It is not coincidence that the only woman on the battlefield finds herself in an epic contest against an incredible evil, an evil that no man can defeat.

In the book the story plays out slightly differently with Èowyn revealing her identity before the Witch King attacks.

"But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him."

Why was this constantly popping up in my mind? Instead of just dismissing it and trying to 'focus'. I sat with it and asked the question. It was day two of the course and Christopher was on the warpath against the 'domesticated', pretty and tame Mary on holy cards. We had asked for her intercession as the 'crusher of heresies' at the beginning of the morning session and then Christopher proceeded to open up the Theology of Mary's body as the very place in which the God took on human flesh. This was not a pretty little thing that most artists depict... there was fire! And desire and God entered time and space and matter because he so wildly loved humanity and Mary conceived because she so wildly loved God!

What the heck does Mary have to do with Èowyn? Christopher effectively rehabilitated Mary for me and in doing so femininity. Èowyn mirrored to me what femininity is, it is a force of life-giving love. Èowyn's love for her uncle drove her to protect him. It is no coincidence that it was only a woman who could defeat the Witch King. Only a woman's ability to conceive and bear life into the world could overcome the vacuous, deathly absence that is the evil of the Witch King.

Christopher's unfolding of the Theology of Mary's body drew on several stories in the New Testament, the Annunciation, the wedding of Cana, John's Crucifixion and Revelations 12. When Christopher started on Revelations 12 (go read it here... and while your at it, read the rest of it. It is an awesome book!) The parallels with Èowyn and the Witch King started falling into place. This scene is not an allegory of Revelations (if you want that go read C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle) an nor was it ever intended to be. 

However, there are some significant parallels... Èowyn is not pregnant but is a key player in the huge birth pangs of the Fourth Age of Middle Earth. Èowyn faces a monstrosity that knows only envy and death. Her victory over the Witch King ends a reign of terror and gives birth to a real chance of overcoming evil. Her battle with the Witch King leaves her wounded and in a wilderness, hovering between life and death.

For the first time, I saw Èowyn not just at war physically, but at war with herself, just like I was. Wrestling with my identity as a woman and my responsibilities and desires for my life and the course it would take as well as the world's expectations and ideas. I can only so humbly hope to show the kind of courage and integrity she had when it really mattered and embrace my femininity as a force of nature that it is. 

I was, thanks to Èowyn and this particular Mary, Our Lady of Guadalupe...

... able to put to bed the stupid idea that femininity and Catholic femininity was about pearls, pastels and Holy passivity. This is something new I learned about this image. In her hand is a Maraca and her knee is bent so she is standing on one foot in a traditional Aztec dance. The moon at her feet (referencing Revelations 12) also resembled these Aztec demons who would terrorise humanity in the dark of night. The dance she is performing is the sacred victory dance of Aztec warriors. She is literally doing a victory dance on the devil's ass. That's my kind of femininity.

*If you want to know more about Theology of the Body, I highly recommend that you check out Christopher's website. If you want something a little more meaty, he gave two excellent talks at WYD in Sydney 2008. Download the first one here and the second one here.*

Music, Humanity, Tolkien and TOB

I have returned from the most awesome week of my trip so far. I attended a Theology of the Body (from now on referred to in the acronym TOB). Institute course called Theology of the Body I: Head and Heart Immersion Course in beautiful little Quarryville, Pennsylvania and taught by the most awesome Christopher West.

There I was surrounded by little beauties like these butterflies...

... whilst having a very real encounter with Beauty itself. Honestly, it is going to take a while to process everything that happened on that week so bear with me.

As I was being completely bombarded with Theology of the Body, a particular world kept persistently rising to the surface. I am a complete and utter Tolkien nerd. There. I said it. I own just about every book he has ever written (and slowly working my way through reading them). Those movies go on every time someone is sick in our house. I read the LOTR at least once a year and I am making my way through The Silmarillion for the second time.

One of the reasons I love reading The Silmarillion is that every time after I put the book down, I had an intense urge to draw and to physically create something. However, I have always intentionally squashed that desire with "you're not good enough... you need to practice more... It will never be perfect..." So back to Theology of the Body, what connected The Silmarillion and TOB together was music.

God is a lover and he calls us with music, a symphony that every leaf, every stick, every rock, the very heavens and earth are a part of. God did not create the world and then add human beings as an after thought. He created the world for human beings and the world to be a sign of his love for us. The centre of the bible is a book known as the Song of Songs, music is a part of the essence of what it means to be human.

Tolkien knows this so profoundly that the first book in The Silmarillion begins with the creation of Middle Earth. Music was so profoundly connected to the essence of existence, that Middle Earth literally the fruit of the music played by the Ainur (spiritual beings who become guardians of Middle Earth) after being taught by Ilùvatar, the one creator. This is why Tolkien puts songs throughout the LOTR (and often annoys people by doing so), because the very earth that the fellowship walked on was created by music and every creature of Middle Earth, even Orcs was the fruit of music.

I was sitting in front of the blessed sacrament, trying to process all of the session on Genesis and Original Man the beginning of The Silmarillion hit me square in the face. It wasn't your average passing thought. I saw it. I hadn't picked up that book in over a year and suddenly the words came alive and I saw it. I had an uncontrollable urge to draw. So I did what I have not done before which was nearly trip over myself in haste to get my sketch book and pens and draw with wild abandon.

That was one of the most awesomely simple experiences I have ever had. Me, pen and paper. Did I produce Van Gogh or a Leonardo? Nope. Did I even bring the full vision of what I saw onto paper? Only the vaguest shadow. But I was free to create and articulate without this little voice stuffing it down for when I was 'qualified' to do so. The best part is I have not stopped doodling and sketching.

Maybe when I've refined a few things I may share some of those drawings, but as they are, they are not ready for any eyes but mine. This is but one small thing I have taken from that week. So stay tuned, another is coming.

*If you want to know more about Theology of the Body, I highly recommend that you check out Christopher's website. If you want something a little more meaty, he gave two excellent talks at WYD in Sydney 2008. Download the first one here and the second one here.*

Oh Ma Gawd I'm in Bawston!

*As a note for the future; I will try and post things week by week now instead of everyday. Much more achievable on my part!

Now I arrive in Boston reasonably refreshed having napped in the Miami airport and my God was I greatful for a Daddy who loves me and was willing to go halvsies on a nice hotel. I had a bed and a working shower and I had to be shocked out of half-arseing Portugese too but it was glorious!

I wake up feeling on top of the world and head out to explore. Boston is just simply beautiful!

Every little corner hides something beautiful. Its a place that has seen many people and has a real sense of its history and its place in it. And this evening I am introduced to Barbara, the most beautifully hospitable person I have met (barring my Mardi). We had dinner in the North End, which is the home of the Italian migrant community that dates back to the 1850s.

I had spent plenty of that week exploring the north end on foot. There was an Italian feast on at the same time and it was awesome. Barbra and I went in one afternoon after a pedicab tour of the South End given by her hilarious son Christian. Barbara also introduced me to baseball and the Red Sox. She managed to get us last minute tickets in seriously awesome seats. We were so close we could practically spit on the players!

Barbara and I had some lovely adventures and talks. We also went to the beautiful coast on Maine with her 20 year old grand daughter Amanda. It was fantastic day with lobster (very reasonably priced lobster) sorbet and candy!

The coastal walk that we did in Ogunquit (yes that is it's name) was lined with primroses just growing. The scent was just heady, with the salt and this sweet and slightly musky perfume from these happily blooming roses!

So In summary, my week in Boston. It was a wonderful time of rest and recuperation from the hecticness of WYD. But the best thing about it was Barbara. She showed me such hospitality and looked after me as well as if I was family. I know Americans are hospitable, but she blew me away! To give you some context, Barbara's husband of fifty years passed away three months ago and in the midst of her having to deal with the grief she just gave with such generosity! I want to be like her when I grow up!

I had many little adventures which are too numerous to catalogue here, but the overwhelming sense of my time in Boston has been one of profound gratitude. Just when I thought God was done with the surprises, I am surprised yet again! Surprised by the generosity of complete strangers and the beauty of everything around me. This 'little' church became my friend in Boston.

St Leonard's was the first Catholic Church in New England built by the Italian migrant community in 1873. It is was a great quite place just off the main road in the North End. I spent quite a bit of time there and it was a really good time for me to reflect on what had been happening over the last three weeks, to be thankful and to gather the memories.

But finally of all an apology! No that I am finally on my way to being settled, I will get much more regular with these blog posts.

I finish with a massive Thank you to Barbara for her hospitality and generosity! (She is also going to hate me if she sees this photo... Well I promise I will replace it as soon as I am able to get a better photo! (If it helps, I'm not looking all that crash hot either)). I am definitely returning to Boston as soon as I am able. Thank you Barbara for making my experience of this beautiful city so unique and joyful! Love ya lots!

Living Paradox

While I was away, I was contacted by a friend of mine looking for a pilgrim's perspective on my experience of WYD for ABC's Religion and Ethics portal. Here is my humble contribution.

Living Paradox: A Pilgrim's Reflections on WYD 2013

Attending the opening Mass of WYD 2013 on Copacabana Beach, I was blown away by the vibrancy, the joy and the sheer mass of humanity. Never will you see so many different national flags in one place - though, paradoxically, in that same place, an event takes place that renders nationality irrelevant.

Here, people from all races and nations gather to pray and have Mass. Holy Communion has never been more literal or tangible to me than when I am standing among hundreds of people from twelve different countries lining up to receive the Eucharist. Everything in Rio is in Portuguese, so suffice to say it is a struggle to understand anything that is going on. However, we come to Mass and suddenly everything makes sense again. I know which prayers are being said, I know when to stand, to sit and to kneel as if I was at my regular parish Mass. The power of seeing thousands of flags fall still as everyone kneels at the consecration renders all our differences irrelevant. Here we are, kneeling before the sacrifice of a Jewish carpenter and we are one. We are one body, one Church, one people.
Catholicism is paradoxical. When one grasps this, both World Youth Day and the Catholic Church begin to make much more sense. The fact of the matter is the Catholic Church is not dying. I challenge anyone who announces the death of Catholicism (and religious belief in general) to come and see a World Youth Day.

http://www.abc.net.au/religion/articles/2013/07/26/3811795.htm

JMJ Begins

So Tuesday is the day It all begins! It is about 16 degrees and it is drizzling. I brought the dorky poncho and wore shorts. Big mistake. We headed down to the beach at 9:30 am. Kathryn an Melissa and I ended up down there before everyone else and bagged a spot next to a screen and an entrance and under some palm trees. We pretty much had the beach to ourselves and a few Argentinians who had a dance circle going. Mel and Kathryn immediately ran over and joined them. I minded the bags and took this awesome photo.

We then waited... And waited... and waited... Then a bunch including Ron an Mavis arrived and a few of us were free to find some lunch. Three freaking hours later, running around the blocks looking or a supermarket and then getting myself a freaking pastry.

Then at 4 pm the party started. I had a flag hanging up from a palm tree and apparently an Australian flag makes you an automatic celebrity in Brazil. I lost count of all the photos we took with Brazilians and a few other nationalities too. Most of what was going on was in Portuguese so we had no idea but the music was awesome so who cares! 

At 6 pm the Padres and the rest arrived! It was then dancing and Fr Prasad showed everybody up! They will be a video! 

It was the Mass time and I was amazing. There were 400,000 people on Copacabana and in the silence of the consecration. You could have heard a pin drop. If we weren't on sand...

It was raining and wet and miserable so it kind of took the edge off it a bit. But 400,000 people is basically Sydney's whole WYD at the opening mass! I didn't think we would get communion in this chaos but I ended up standing next to a minister! She only gave communion on the tongue too. So that was funny seeing Jamie's face! 

When the mass finished it was chaos! Absolute chaos. So we split up into smaller groups to attempt to grab dinner on the way. The Rovis (Ron+Mavis), Jamie and I managed to get a crazy cab ride home. We went back to Hotel Sao Francisco and had some sandwiches for dinner and I used the wifi! 

It was then home to bed very sandy and very sore feet. Tomorrow is Wednesday and our first Catechesis. We have no idea which bishop we will have so this will be a surprise! 

Rio Rio Rio!

So we finally arrived! We got in to Pier Maua where Aussie Central is around 8 pm and had our induction and got settled in.

We then went to attempt to find some dinner and wound up at the only place that was still open in the area, a dodgy little bar called Flamingo. I wasn't hungry so it was delicious mango juice for me! Then sleep. 

The Monday, our first day in Rio we had the day to ourselves so it was a trip to Copacabana Beach for a swim. It was a hot day and the water was cool but had a massive undertow so I didn't stay long.

I can tell you now, I was rather at ease lounging on the beach for a change. AND WE HAD FRESH GREEN COCONUTS!

We then had cold green coconuts and fried garlic prawns on a beach cafe. It was grand.

On the way down to the beach we stopped at this magnificent church the Candelaria. It is a Baroque Church but is uniquely Portuguese. 

 

The frescoes are amazing. I plan on going back after the Final Mass to grab some more snaps. I couldn't work out exactly how they were made. They seemed to be tempera but they had a glossy oil sheen. They were beautifully detailed which was visible from the ground. 

We had a fun adventure getting back to the Metro station at Copacabana, Doug, Kathryn and I nearly got hit by a bus! Think I'm joking? Rio is the only city in the world where you don't joke about that. 

Turns out that as we got off the train and began walking to Pier Maua, huge crowds came pouring out of nowhere into the streets. Turns out the Pope was arriving up the road in his pope mobile. We saw that on the news later that night. We cleared out after hanging around for half an hour. It was back to Aussie Central and then to hunt for some dinner. Which ended up being Bob's 'heart-attack' burgers.

So that was our first day in Rio! Tomorrow, the fun starts! 

A Long Day...

So I mentioned that we had a 6 am flight today. Yeah that meant being on the road at 3 am. So instead of sleeping, we had a last hurrah at the hostel bar and polished off the last of their red wine. When I say we, I mean myself, and a handful of others who did the sensible thing and not sleep after arriving at 8 pm from the Missions.

It was a four hour trip each way to the missions through the Argentinian countryside. On the way back we had a mad jam session with Fernando, our guide. Best guide ever!

To get to the airport, we had to cross the border to Brazil and then check in at the airport. Both of which left us with about 45 minutes to take off and with people at various states of sleep deprivation. I was a bit manic. Just a bit...

We were heading to Paraty (pronounced Para-chee in Portuguese) which is about another 7 hour drive after a 4 hour flight to São Paulo. I dozed on and off on the plane and then some more on the first half of the bus trip. We stopped for lunch at a rest stop which had tonnes of yummy pie type things.

We stopped at a place called Aparacedia. It is home to the 4 biggest Marian Shrine in the world and the second biggest Basilica seating 45 000 people.

Inside houses the apparition of Aparceida from the 1700s. The story goes some fishermen were having no luck with their fishing when their nets dragged up the body of a statue and then the head of our lady. She was a little terracotta statue and she was Afro-Brazillian. The fishermen then proceeded to have a massive catch and she is the patroness of Brazil and the first black Madonna ever. 

That is her there! Tiny! We stayed for mass at the cathedral and it was a lot of fun! The Portuguese are quite charismatic and they sing as much as possible!

It was then back on the bus to Paraty, 5 hours away. Nathan and I hung out at the back of the bus and had an awesome chat. It was a full on drive with the bus careening around a road similar

To the Bulli exit off the princess highway or the Old Pacific Highway. We were treated to this awesome sunset

We finally arrived in Paraty after and epic trek. I had been away for 40 hours and was delighted with the awesomeness of this budget hotel. 

We had fried fish for dinner which was ok. The epic wine drinkers from Iguazu then had a Jonny Walker Black nightcap. It was 20 reals (about $10) and slept! 

Jamie's cough had gotten to a full blown chest infection and we both had a horrible night's sleep. But breakfast was awesome with this kind of setting and fresh fruit. 

We then had half a day in Paraty where we did a walking tour and went to Sunday Mass. 

Paraty is a colonial town built in the 1700s on the gold route to Rio. When the gold ran out, Paraty was abandoned. Then later in the century the coffee industry restarted the town. Then in the 1850s the emperor of Brazil buil a highway bypassing Paraty and it was abandoned again for 100 years. To give you an idea of how abandoned it was, a dude in the 1920s wanted to build a house so he picked the only vacant block, a street corner!

The rest of the town is world heritage listed and is perfectly preserved. 

We then went to Mass at the largest of the 4 churches in the town, Our lady of Remedies. It was the last day of a 9 day festival in honour of St Rita of Cascia. 

Funny story about this Church, so it was supposed to have bell towers but they discovered that because the foundations were on reclaimed swamp, the church started sinking so they had to scrap the bell towers and stuck them in the second floor windows instead!

A church dedicated to her is currently closed for restoration and it looks beautiful already. 

The mass was an experience and a half! So much singing and joy! 

It was then checkout, on the bus to Rio! 

The Cardinal O'Connor Conference

We all met at the local train station that morning at 7 to head over to the Cardinal O'Connor Conference at Georgetown University. Georgetown University is annoyingly inaccessible by subway so we ended up in cabs over the rest of the way. My jaw dropped. It was so pretty, stunning buildings covered in a light dusting of snow everywhere. The building we were in was amazing. The main auditorium was like walking into another world, if only everyone was in pantaloons and hoop skirts!

Our opening keynote was given by Archbishop Chaput. He is a very tiny man! I'll give it to him, he doesn't mince words and is a wonderful mix of realism but still holds a vision of something better, a difficult rope to balance. He spoke about the importance of religious liberty, freedom OF religion as opposed to freedom FROM religion.  We had a bit of Q&A afterwards and I got up to represent. I asked him for advice around the Australian Political culture and how difficult it is to bring religion into the public square in Australia. His advice: "Get over it." Religious people need to just put it out there because it matters and to hell with the rest of it.

We then had the first workshop. There was a pretty impressive line up of speakers. The first one we decided to go to was Vicki Thorn who's workshop was the Science of Theology of the Body. I really enjoyed it but I wasn't too sure at one or two of the things, I would want to check the research myself but I don't really have the time. We then had lunch which were ginormous sandwiches with lots of sandwich meat on it. Just the way I like it. It was then onto the next workshop. We all split up and I went to a workshop with a Jesuit on Natural Law and abortion. He was also excellent, going through it step by logical step. The Q&A time on the end got sidetracked by a guy talking about the governor of Maryland who he thinks should be excommunicated. Other than that it was good.

It was then back to the auditorium for the panel of Congressmen & women. I have to admit, I fell asleep. I lasted about 15 minutes and I just couldn't keep my eyes open and the seats were comfy and the room was warm and... I dozed in and out until the end... I felt really bad, everything was painfully interesting, but I was so tired. Apparently everyone was also passed out cold asleep too! Ha there! I'm not just rude!

It was then straight to the National Shrine which was where the overnight vigil was being held. When we got there the church was overflowing already! Mass wasn't due to start till 8 pm and it was 6! We just squeezed in seats anywhere we could. I went for a walk around the upper basilica saying a rosary. Every side chapel had a significant Marian theme. It took me quite a while to get around there, there were that many people! I eventually went down into the crypt to find a spot to sit. Mary joined me and while we were waiting for Mass to start we said a rosary. Mass was pretty full on. The entrance procession of all the deacons, priests, bishops and cardinals took 45 minutes! The mass was the full bells and smells shebang. It took a long.... time.... but it was nice to go to a mass like that once in a while.

The vigil at the Basilica would be going all night so we left after mass and headed back on the subway to our homestay at around 10. When we got to west Hyattsville, we were all starving cos we didn't have dinner! So we went to the KFC, and the drive through was thank God still open! So we got KFC and took it back to homestay. I got into a bit of discussion with Anitra and didn't get to sleep till 1:30 am. And we had an early start the next day too!

On the road... AGAIN

So we had to get up early, I had had a very bad sleep the night before, being up till about 3:30 am and having to get up and be on the bus by 8:30. On the plus side it was snowing! We got a whole couple of inches as we were leaving but we had a 5 hr bus ride ahead. We had a stop over on the outskirts of Delaware and I regret the Burger King... it was bad. We arrived in DC finally straight over to the Catholic Information Centre in the middle of the city. We had a mass in the chapel there with Bishop Peter and it was the feast of St Agnes!

We hung out in the book store for a while before heading over to Starbucks and then the Hyatt Regency hotel for this Youth Rally were were attending. I confess I went a bit nuts in the bookstore. They are a lot cheaper in the States but I managed to moderate myself by buying 4 C.S. Lewis books, one for Mum on the Jewish origins on the Eucharist and a TOB book. We then hung out at Starbucks for a bit because of the free wifi! We also got chatting to bunch of the Occupy people who were in tents across the road. I would have dearly loved to probe them a bit more, but I was not mentally up for the challenge. We had to get to the Hyatt hotel anyway!

We got to the Hyatt and took some seats about mid way down. We were a little late and it seemed that things were already happening. So we sat in and listened. It was an ecumenical gathering and the spirit of unity was quite inspiring, but it was also highly emotive and very firebrand. Lots of political action talk and also lots of testimonials from people working on the 'front lines.' About an hour into it a bunch of people dispersed in the room stood up and started yelling in protest of us. I had a momentary freak out thinking back to Madrid and I was ready to throw punches if I had to. A couple of them were close to our group and I got a good look at their faces and was able to relax, there was no venom like I saw in Madrid, just a little bit of yelling and screaming. Lila Rose took to the stage and some how managed to drown them out with a prayer. They were eventually removed by security.

The rally continued on as if it never happened. I have to say it was very overlong and in such a charged environment it was not the best idea. It was a little too much for me, I'm not sure that it is the right approach. We were so tired as well which didn't help. So at 10 pm we packed it in and headed for our home stay families. Matt and Jollene took Me, Jo, Anitra, and Donabel. They had three little ones, two of whom we met. We chatted for an hour over cookies and then collapsed into bed.

Rest in Conneticut

I woke up for the first time without an alarm at dawn (which is around 7am) after having the best sleep this whole trip! I then got dressed and headed down for morning prayer and Mass which was a lovely way to start the day. The chapel has beautiful stained glass windows that I didn't see lastnight. They only have about 3 colours in it but the effect is very striking.

After mass I headed into the hall way waiting for the breakfast bell and was wondering about the opprotunity to do some laundry. All of a sudden appeared Sister Mary-Karen who said "you look like you want to do laundry." I was a bit stunned and I said "That is just scary! How did you know that?" "Well good! I am designating you 'Head Laundress!' Follow me and I'll show you where it all is." So I was given a tour of the laundry and then eagerly headed for brekkie, which was good, bagels, eggs, all kinds of spreads except vegemite...

The schedule for the day was relaxing. After brekkie and clean up, we headed for the Gibeny room for our first session which was a broad overview of the history of the Pro-life movement in the US which was quite interesting. Unlike Australia, the abortion issue in the US became a huge problem not just because of the immorality of the issue, but almost equally because of the way that it was done. One Supreme Court (High Court is Australian equivalent) ruled that abortion was legal in a court decision that basically over-rode all of the State legislation that were put in place by elected representatives. Before 1973, abortion was only permitted in extreme cases of rape, incest and if the health of the mother was strictly at risk in almost every state. If it's one thing that irks Americans more, it is the Federal Government muscling in on more local State matters. The anti-abortion movement initally, therefore, had a very political emphasis in strategy and was primarily focused on the babies, and the human rights of the babies. Change began to occur towards the end of the 80s when it became apparent that the 'right' to abortion was now entrenced and mainstream. It was also apparent that abortion was terribly wounding for women and decided in situations where there was a real perception of little other options. The anti-abortion movement began to answer its critics that it was anti-women and became much more women focused. Around this time, then Bishop John O'Connor visited Dachau Concentration camp and experienced a mystical call to protect and defend the dignity of all human life and that the battle against this demon could only be won through prayer and fasting. He began the Sisters of Life as a response to this call. The current trend in the pro-life movement is a combination of all these approaches, the rights of the babies, the care and support of mothers and prayer.

We then got to meet and chat with all the postulants who are amazing! There were also two Kiwi postulants and so we all helped teach the Americans cricket because they brought a set. It was a lot of fun, especially watching them try to bowl! I went for a walk exploring the grounds. I saw a couple of squirrels and I found deer tracks as well. I hoped I could see some!

After lunch we had a long talk by Sister Bethany about the Charism of the Sisters of Life. They are truly amazing women. They are a contemplative/active order, meaning they spend half their time in prayer and the other half working with women in crisis pregnancies, running post-abortion healing retreats for men and women and all sorts of other things involving life issues. These women were so in love with Jesus and they just poured it out everywhere and to everyone.

Evening was falling and it was time for rosary, evening prayer and adoration. I bundled up and went for a walk around the grounds instead. I needed to move. I was struggling with myself a bit. I just asked for a sign. Something that would show me he was listening. I was walking and praying and something made me look up. About 100 meters away was a big stag looking straight at me. He had two does by his side. He had caught my scent and stayed another 30 seconds before he turned tail and led his does back into the woods. That was all I needed. I sat under a tree listening to to the soft hoof beats of the deer as they cautiously came backe. I felt some sense of peace that at least I was looking in the right direction and God was there with me. I headed back inside for the rest of Adoration and vespers. I don't think I mentioned that the Sisters sounded like angels! Afterwards was a hearty dinner and fake fireside chats (the fire was fake, that is, not the conversation!) I had a lot on my mind to think about, but I was still very tired, and I was looking foreward to the 5:30 am start tomorrow!

Dear Lord,
Love me and keep me close to your heart where I am safe.
Amen.