Suores Vitae Part I

It is wednesday, sitting in my hotel room in Midtown Manhattan and I can finally start detailing my adventure with the Sisters of Life.

It began on the 17th of November. I arrived at on a chilly New York evening, dropped my bags off their Convent on W 51st Street and then headed to meet them at St Patrick's Cathedral. They were doing Night Fever. It was huge, the doors of St Patrick's were thrown open, with Eucharistic Adoration going on and confession too. The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs) were doing music and more CFRs and sisters of life were inviting people in to pray and light a candle. It was a good way to begin the next 17 days. 

I settled into my room at the postulant house in the Bronx. Not the dodgy part of the Bronx... The really nice part!

Saturday it was up early to go out to Villa Maria Guadalupe in Stamford, Conneticut for the Coworker Formation Day. What a full on day! Communication skills, talks by the sisters, food... 60 people from all over the place to help out the sisters. 

The talk that had the biggest impact on me was Mother Agnes' Delighting in Her talk. It essentially boiled down to this...

We can only truly will the good for someone else (i.e. Love them) when we perceive and receive their intrinsic goodness first. Otherwise we are not working for their good, we are working because we are good. 

Kinda makes you rethink your whole interpersonal relations ever. I got a lot out of that day. But alas, it was only a day and we made our way back to the Bronx in the evening for dinner and sleep. It was then up for a regular week. Up at 5 am, morning prayer, meditation and mass followed by breakfast in silence (silence till midday usually). It was then off to the days activites. 

Tuesdays it was off to the Mother House about 30 minutes upstate for philosophy classes with a brilliant Jesuit and Sr Mary Gabriel. A rousing game of soccer, ultimate frizbee or football in between, this week it was soccer. 

Wednesday was apostolic day where the postulants were split up and sent to what ever tasks needed doing. I was sent to the Apostolic Centre in Manhattan to help sort out a huge load of donations that came in. Mostly clothes. Friday was a day of silence and prayer.

I also had a whole library of spiritual reading and at Sr Antoniana's recommendation, I dived into Fr Timothy Gallagher's Discernment of Spirits and Ignatian spirituality. 

I was busy. Which was a good thing, considering I spent the entire freaking week in the throughs of spiritual desolation. It was not fun. At all. The whole week was numb and blah, going through the motions. 

It was not fun. It was frustrating and discouraging. Being caught in a cycle of despondency is really not fun. I have no idea how Mother Teresa lived and was productive for decades in that state. Thank God for Sr Antoniana. Thursday afternoon she says "Kiara, how do you feel about going on the Young Adult Retreat we were talking about? I've signed you up!" 

So Friday afternoon, Sr Virginia Joy drives me out to Villa Maria again for a retreat with 40 other young people. The retreat began in the evenin with dinner a conference and vocation story from Sr Filumena, the first kiwi Novice. Following that was a Eucharistic Healing service where the monstrance is bought down and you can get close and touch it.

That was my lowest point. I went up and knelt before Jesus and felt nothing, just blah. Confession was going on so I went and the wisdom of the young priest was just what I needed. I was still in desolation, but I came to grips with it and was able to move to a place where I could resist it.

The Saturday was a much better day. It was a silent day so I walked the grounds and read, there were a couple of conferences and spent every opportunity in the Chapel. I was still feeling the desolation but I had better sense of what this was and perhaps why I was suffering it. 

Saturday night was party time! We had an All Saints costume party. Complete with Purgatory, the place you go to 'clothe yourself in sainthood' if you didn't bring a costume. I dressed up as GK Chesterton. It was hilarious. No his technically not a saint, but his cause is open for canonisation.

There you have it! We also had Irish dancing going on in the basement and the we make a fire. Unfortunately we only had green wood so Sr May Karen and I split it into matchsticks to make it burn. No, I don't have a photo of Sr Mary Karen and an axe. 

Sunday was the final conferences finishing with Sr Mary Loretta. This little lady from Brooklyn has the most phenomenal charism for evangelism I have ever seen. No matter who you are, she can talk about Jesus to you. I left that retreat with a shot in the arm spiritually but I was not quite out of the woods yet. 

Stay tuned for part II in a couple of days!

Suores Vitae Part II

Sunday night at Villa Maria, I was picked and brought back to the Bronx for a beginning of a new week. That retreat was the shot in the arm I needed.

So I was back for dinner in the Bronx and it was nice to get back to some ordinary time with the postulants. So Monday was the usual, but we got a sleep in! Except I couldn't get up... I was held hostage by a vivid dream of a deformed cow following me around ringing a bell and reciting Shakespeare... No joke. It was weird. I have no idea what it may mean but I promise I'm not consuming any kind of hallucinogens. We caught up with all the news from the Sister's visiting day on Sunday over meals and got stuck into the various chores around the place.

Tuesday I headed back up to Villa Maria Guadalupe with Sr Filumena the Kiwi novice and a load of food for the Come and See Retreat and it was snowing! The first snow of the season and I was very excited! Look!

I spent the day helping Sr Josemaria fold laundry... lots of laundry. Like, 60 loads of sheets and towels. In between the usual prayer routine of the Sisters. Wednesday was much the same, running around with the postulants, cleaning, making beds getting the retreat wing ready for the retreat. I was absolutely wasted by the end of the day. But before everyone arrived it was baking time! 700 chocolate chip cookies and raspberry thumbprint cookies... They were for the Advent celebration and I exercised the utmost self control not to attack the dough and eat it. Sr Loretta was making Mexican wedding cookies too. The smells were amazing.

Thursday was retreat day! The postulants and sisters banned me from doing anything. So I relaxed and got prepared for the retreats. For the last few days I had been recording the spiritual movements to discern any patterns, Ignatian style. Honestly, Fr Timothy Gallagher's books were the most useful things I have read this entire time. I highly recommend anyone trying to make sense of God's will grab those books.

By dinner time about 40 of us retreatants had arrived and were getting settled in. After evening prayers and dinner, we had a vocations talk from Sr Mary Karen, my favourite Sister of Life, the most hilarious and sarcastic Virginian nun you will ever come across. It was hilarious and awesome and it was the first time she had ever shared this. We then had an introductory conference from Sr Antoniana and we were away!

Friday was a huge day, after morning prayer, meditation, mass and breakfast we were away to the Bronx to pray outside an abortion clinic for an hour. We prayed the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet and sang a few hymns in a rough part of the Bronx. It was then on to St Patrick's Cathedral to visit Cardinal O'Connor's tomb under the main altar. That was awesome. Fulton Sheen was buried there too as well as Pierre Tousset a Haitian slave who became the hairdresser to the upper classes of New York and almost completely funded the building of Old St Pats as well as diving into Typhoid outbreaks to assist the sick and giving away everything he earned.

After that we headed over to Sacred heart which is their house of Holy Respite. i.e. Pregnant women come and live with the Sisters about 7 of them at once until about 6 months after the birth of their baby. We had lunch and listened to one of the women who had formerly lived with them. She was incredible! A year and half ago, she was pregnant, alone in NYC and had no where else to go. Now she has a beautiful daughter, has a full time job in Public Policy a nice apartment and whole-heartedly embraced her faith (She is a 7th Day Adventist).

We then headed back to Stamford after a tour of the house and an afternoon chatting with the sisters there and some of the residents there and their little babies. We were pretty wiped. It had been a long day. But we were not done yet! And God certainly wasn't done with me either. After dinner we had a Eucharist Healing service like last Friday.

This was my moment. I was in a space of consolation. I just simply prayed, "I'm here. I'm listening. I've discerned this, but I'm yours. I will do what ever you ask. How about that neon sign?" I went up to the altar rail, the monstrance was before me. I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders, an overwhelming sense of peace. I went back to the pew. I felt a voice well up from within. (I'm not nuts I'm not hearing voices!) It was not my own voice, but a deeper one. It simply said, "he's waiting for you."

That was it. I had my answer. I am not called to be a sister, I am called to marriage. I wanted to run around singing at the top of my lungs. But of course, we had begun our 24 hour silent part of the retreat. I had this awesome grace and I can't tell anyone! But that was ok! It was bed time after holy hour and evening prayer and I got the best sleep and woke up to a beautiful, clear and warm winter day.

After breakfast and morning prayer we had a conference and then the rest of the day was free for our own personal prayer and reflection as well as meetings with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy or Sr Mary Gabriel. All morning it was little confirmations. The scripture meditations I was following weren't doing it for me. So I reopened my bible and it fell open to the marriage of Tobias and Sarah. I wandered over to the Cardinal O'Connor table and found the only thing he wrote on the vocation of marriage.

I had a meeting with Sr Virginia Joy scheduled for after lunch and as soon as that door closed I was out with it! She was so happy too! We had a good laugh and after I went for a hike through the near by woods, had a nap, then talking ended after dinner and we played a team-charades relay game which was friggin hysterical. We then had Q&A on slips of paper with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy, Sr Mary Gabriel and Sr Talitha. Also a lot of fun, especially with the last question. Some smart-arse asked if Sisters shave. It got a drum roll and had all the sisters in stitches.

Sunday rolled around and it was my last day. I was feeling a bit lost and I didn't want to leave! But it was time. I got to hug everyone and drove into the city. I felt at peace. I finally had my answer and it was time for me to go out on my own. I did get a photo with my all time favourite Sister, Sr Mary Karen.

There you have it! I'm not called to be a sister! I'm home soon, but not after a week in NYC, my Birthday and Thanksgiving and hopefully some more snow before heading back on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

Rest in Conneticut

I woke up for the first time without an alarm at dawn (which is around 7am) after having the best sleep this whole trip! I then got dressed and headed down for morning prayer and Mass which was a lovely way to start the day. The chapel has beautiful stained glass windows that I didn't see lastnight. They only have about 3 colours in it but the effect is very striking.

After mass I headed into the hall way waiting for the breakfast bell and was wondering about the opprotunity to do some laundry. All of a sudden appeared Sister Mary-Karen who said "you look like you want to do laundry." I was a bit stunned and I said "That is just scary! How did you know that?" "Well good! I am designating you 'Head Laundress!' Follow me and I'll show you where it all is." So I was given a tour of the laundry and then eagerly headed for brekkie, which was good, bagels, eggs, all kinds of spreads except vegemite...

The schedule for the day was relaxing. After brekkie and clean up, we headed for the Gibeny room for our first session which was a broad overview of the history of the Pro-life movement in the US which was quite interesting. Unlike Australia, the abortion issue in the US became a huge problem not just because of the immorality of the issue, but almost equally because of the way that it was done. One Supreme Court (High Court is Australian equivalent) ruled that abortion was legal in a court decision that basically over-rode all of the State legislation that were put in place by elected representatives. Before 1973, abortion was only permitted in extreme cases of rape, incest and if the health of the mother was strictly at risk in almost every state. If it's one thing that irks Americans more, it is the Federal Government muscling in on more local State matters. The anti-abortion movement initally, therefore, had a very political emphasis in strategy and was primarily focused on the babies, and the human rights of the babies. Change began to occur towards the end of the 80s when it became apparent that the 'right' to abortion was now entrenced and mainstream. It was also apparent that abortion was terribly wounding for women and decided in situations where there was a real perception of little other options. The anti-abortion movement began to answer its critics that it was anti-women and became much more women focused. Around this time, then Bishop John O'Connor visited Dachau Concentration camp and experienced a mystical call to protect and defend the dignity of all human life and that the battle against this demon could only be won through prayer and fasting. He began the Sisters of Life as a response to this call. The current trend in the pro-life movement is a combination of all these approaches, the rights of the babies, the care and support of mothers and prayer.

We then got to meet and chat with all the postulants who are amazing! There were also two Kiwi postulants and so we all helped teach the Americans cricket because they brought a set. It was a lot of fun, especially watching them try to bowl! I went for a walk exploring the grounds. I saw a couple of squirrels and I found deer tracks as well. I hoped I could see some!

After lunch we had a long talk by Sister Bethany about the Charism of the Sisters of Life. They are truly amazing women. They are a contemplative/active order, meaning they spend half their time in prayer and the other half working with women in crisis pregnancies, running post-abortion healing retreats for men and women and all sorts of other things involving life issues. These women were so in love with Jesus and they just poured it out everywhere and to everyone.

Evening was falling and it was time for rosary, evening prayer and adoration. I bundled up and went for a walk around the grounds instead. I needed to move. I was struggling with myself a bit. I just asked for a sign. Something that would show me he was listening. I was walking and praying and something made me look up. About 100 meters away was a big stag looking straight at me. He had two does by his side. He had caught my scent and stayed another 30 seconds before he turned tail and led his does back into the woods. That was all I needed. I sat under a tree listening to to the soft hoof beats of the deer as they cautiously came backe. I felt some sense of peace that at least I was looking in the right direction and God was there with me. I headed back inside for the rest of Adoration and vespers. I don't think I mentioned that the Sisters sounded like angels! Afterwards was a hearty dinner and fake fireside chats (the fire was fake, that is, not the conversation!) I had a lot on my mind to think about, but I was still very tired, and I was looking foreward to the 5:30 am start tomorrow!

Dear Lord,
Love me and keep me close to your heart where I am safe.
Amen.