Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 11

Today, I am grateful for the delicious wafting scent of a roast dinner at the front door. It was a long day at work and that comforting smell (and awesome dinner) was just what my weary self needed. 

Day eleven...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 12

Today, I am grateful for this pair of shoes. They are incredibly comfortable and I am so blessed to have such a luxury. I am also incredibly blessed to be able to carefully choose and select my footwear and experience the 'problem' of not being able to find the right shoe. 

Day twelve...

Second Sunday of Lent: Oh. Dear. Lord.

Well... Here I was thinking that last week was bad. Wagon was completely totalled this week. Life got hugely busy and heading down to the farm with no interwebs didn't help. I was still recording none-the-less! I had a full on weekend but it was spent in good company. So instead of celebrating the solemnity of St Patrick, I'm typing all these up.

Today then, I am so grateful for Sunday Mass. That weekly anchor, a reminder what the whole point of life is. 

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 10

Today I am grateful for the beautiful post-storm sunset. It was just what I needed to put a disastrously late afternoon in perspective. It's not often I go over the Port Jackson Bridge, nor treated to such colours.

Day ten...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 9

Today, down at the farm I am grateful for my sweet and steady horse. He was good for me today even though I felt a bit pressured by time.

Day nine...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 8

Today I am grateful for that lovely silky smooth feeling the day after you get your legs waxed. Over sharing? Perhaps but you know... It is awesome. 

Day 8... Very, very late.

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 7

Today I am grateful for the anticipation of someone special coming to visit. The excitement, attempt to fill time, the little butterflies. All of it is wonderful.

Day seven... Still haven't completely fallen off the bandwagon.

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 6

Today, I am grateful for my walks home from work. For the time I get to think and imagine.

Day six...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 5

Today, I am grateful for raspberries, or sweet dew drops from the garden of paradise. Getting home hot and sweaty and then having these with a glass of ice cold water. It was a delicious moment.

Day 5...

First Sunday of Lent: CatholicFAIL

So I'm a little bit behind… but not too far only a day! Who'd a thunk that this would be so damn difficult. Aside from needing to go to bed earlier, I am really struggling to be attentive to things that I can be grateful for.

So often I'm finding myself struggling tiredly at the end of the day to record something that I am grateful for. It's more than just acknowledging it. It should be an offering of prayer to the one who gave it to me. 

So there you have it. First Sunday of Lent is a tale of Kiara and her fairly epic Catholic FAIL. Seriously. The only thing that is more difficult is giving up chocolate. Having said that, it's okay to fail. It's okay to stuff it, to do it imperfectly. If it is one thing that I learned during my discernment, it is that when you start feeling like crap and it's not working and you're about to throw in the towel, that is precisely the time when you are growing the most. Paradoxically, the times when we feel like God has abandoned us, are the times when he is closest to us.

So I persevere and I make my struggles an offering to him. I name the graces I need: attentiveness and fortitude. I open my heart to the Spirit to fill me with wonder and awe to find him.

So this Sunday, I am grateful for all my failings. I am also grateful for my mother who set the tone for Lent with an epic Catholic FAIL on Ash Wednesday.

Me: "Is that [shredded pork shoulder] for dinner?"

Mum: "Yep."

Me: "It's Ash Wednesday."

Mum: "Oh, S***! And I sent the kids to school with ham sandwiches!"

Yep, should have ashed our selves with FAIL in reparation for that dozy. I also managed to serve myself leftover lamb in an omelette on friday… oops!

1st Sunday...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 4

So, I've been out enjoying life a little too much so this post is late… again. I'm not giving up just yet.


Today, I am grateful for this awesome resource from Christopher West. TOB has been a huge part of my journey back home to Catholicism and Christopher was my first introduction to this mind-blowing theology.

Day 4...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 3

Whoops... This is late, but I'm not giving up yet!

To(Yester)day I am(was) grateful for the awesome friendship I share with Box. He totally made my day with inappropriate humor and his experience of a hazelnut hot chocolate...

Day 3....

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 2

Today, I am grateful for my glasses. Who would have thought that a right shaped piece of glass would restore poor eyesight and be stylish at the same time?

Day two...

Lenten Gratitude Challenge: Day 1

Today I am grateful for the storm today. I got soaked, but it was cleansing, cooling and a mighty show of lightning.

Though it came and went, it was beautiful, awe-inspiring. It came, it soaked, it conquered. 

Day one...

Suores Vitae Part I

It is wednesday, sitting in my hotel room in Midtown Manhattan and I can finally start detailing my adventure with the Sisters of Life.

It began on the 17th of November. I arrived at on a chilly New York evening, dropped my bags off their Convent on W 51st Street and then headed to meet them at St Patrick's Cathedral. They were doing Night Fever. It was huge, the doors of St Patrick's were thrown open, with Eucharistic Adoration going on and confession too. The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal (CFRs) were doing music and more CFRs and sisters of life were inviting people in to pray and light a candle. It was a good way to begin the next 17 days. 

I settled into my room at the postulant house in the Bronx. Not the dodgy part of the Bronx... The really nice part!

Saturday it was up early to go out to Villa Maria Guadalupe in Stamford, Conneticut for the Coworker Formation Day. What a full on day! Communication skills, talks by the sisters, food... 60 people from all over the place to help out the sisters. 

The talk that had the biggest impact on me was Mother Agnes' Delighting in Her talk. It essentially boiled down to this...

We can only truly will the good for someone else (i.e. Love them) when we perceive and receive their intrinsic goodness first. Otherwise we are not working for their good, we are working because we are good. 

Kinda makes you rethink your whole interpersonal relations ever. I got a lot out of that day. But alas, it was only a day and we made our way back to the Bronx in the evening for dinner and sleep. It was then up for a regular week. Up at 5 am, morning prayer, meditation and mass followed by breakfast in silence (silence till midday usually). It was then off to the days activites. 

Tuesdays it was off to the Mother House about 30 minutes upstate for philosophy classes with a brilliant Jesuit and Sr Mary Gabriel. A rousing game of soccer, ultimate frizbee or football in between, this week it was soccer. 

Wednesday was apostolic day where the postulants were split up and sent to what ever tasks needed doing. I was sent to the Apostolic Centre in Manhattan to help sort out a huge load of donations that came in. Mostly clothes. Friday was a day of silence and prayer.

I also had a whole library of spiritual reading and at Sr Antoniana's recommendation, I dived into Fr Timothy Gallagher's Discernment of Spirits and Ignatian spirituality. 

I was busy. Which was a good thing, considering I spent the entire freaking week in the throughs of spiritual desolation. It was not fun. At all. The whole week was numb and blah, going through the motions. 

It was not fun. It was frustrating and discouraging. Being caught in a cycle of despondency is really not fun. I have no idea how Mother Teresa lived and was productive for decades in that state. Thank God for Sr Antoniana. Thursday afternoon she says "Kiara, how do you feel about going on the Young Adult Retreat we were talking about? I've signed you up!" 

So Friday afternoon, Sr Virginia Joy drives me out to Villa Maria again for a retreat with 40 other young people. The retreat began in the evenin with dinner a conference and vocation story from Sr Filumena, the first kiwi Novice. Following that was a Eucharistic Healing service where the monstrance is bought down and you can get close and touch it.

That was my lowest point. I went up and knelt before Jesus and felt nothing, just blah. Confession was going on so I went and the wisdom of the young priest was just what I needed. I was still in desolation, but I came to grips with it and was able to move to a place where I could resist it.

The Saturday was a much better day. It was a silent day so I walked the grounds and read, there were a couple of conferences and spent every opportunity in the Chapel. I was still feeling the desolation but I had better sense of what this was and perhaps why I was suffering it. 

Saturday night was party time! We had an All Saints costume party. Complete with Purgatory, the place you go to 'clothe yourself in sainthood' if you didn't bring a costume. I dressed up as GK Chesterton. It was hilarious. No his technically not a saint, but his cause is open for canonisation.

There you have it! We also had Irish dancing going on in the basement and the we make a fire. Unfortunately we only had green wood so Sr May Karen and I split it into matchsticks to make it burn. No, I don't have a photo of Sr Mary Karen and an axe. 

Sunday was the final conferences finishing with Sr Mary Loretta. This little lady from Brooklyn has the most phenomenal charism for evangelism I have ever seen. No matter who you are, she can talk about Jesus to you. I left that retreat with a shot in the arm spiritually but I was not quite out of the woods yet. 

Stay tuned for part II in a couple of days!

Suores Vitae Part II

Sunday night at Villa Maria, I was picked and brought back to the Bronx for a beginning of a new week. That retreat was the shot in the arm I needed.

So I was back for dinner in the Bronx and it was nice to get back to some ordinary time with the postulants. So Monday was the usual, but we got a sleep in! Except I couldn't get up... I was held hostage by a vivid dream of a deformed cow following me around ringing a bell and reciting Shakespeare... No joke. It was weird. I have no idea what it may mean but I promise I'm not consuming any kind of hallucinogens. We caught up with all the news from the Sister's visiting day on Sunday over meals and got stuck into the various chores around the place.

Tuesday I headed back up to Villa Maria Guadalupe with Sr Filumena the Kiwi novice and a load of food for the Come and See Retreat and it was snowing! The first snow of the season and I was very excited! Look!

I spent the day helping Sr Josemaria fold laundry... lots of laundry. Like, 60 loads of sheets and towels. In between the usual prayer routine of the Sisters. Wednesday was much the same, running around with the postulants, cleaning, making beds getting the retreat wing ready for the retreat. I was absolutely wasted by the end of the day. But before everyone arrived it was baking time! 700 chocolate chip cookies and raspberry thumbprint cookies... They were for the Advent celebration and I exercised the utmost self control not to attack the dough and eat it. Sr Loretta was making Mexican wedding cookies too. The smells were amazing.

Thursday was retreat day! The postulants and sisters banned me from doing anything. So I relaxed and got prepared for the retreats. For the last few days I had been recording the spiritual movements to discern any patterns, Ignatian style. Honestly, Fr Timothy Gallagher's books were the most useful things I have read this entire time. I highly recommend anyone trying to make sense of God's will grab those books.

By dinner time about 40 of us retreatants had arrived and were getting settled in. After evening prayers and dinner, we had a vocations talk from Sr Mary Karen, my favourite Sister of Life, the most hilarious and sarcastic Virginian nun you will ever come across. It was hilarious and awesome and it was the first time she had ever shared this. We then had an introductory conference from Sr Antoniana and we were away!

Friday was a huge day, after morning prayer, meditation, mass and breakfast we were away to the Bronx to pray outside an abortion clinic for an hour. We prayed the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet and sang a few hymns in a rough part of the Bronx. It was then on to St Patrick's Cathedral to visit Cardinal O'Connor's tomb under the main altar. That was awesome. Fulton Sheen was buried there too as well as Pierre Tousset a Haitian slave who became the hairdresser to the upper classes of New York and almost completely funded the building of Old St Pats as well as diving into Typhoid outbreaks to assist the sick and giving away everything he earned.

After that we headed over to Sacred heart which is their house of Holy Respite. i.e. Pregnant women come and live with the Sisters about 7 of them at once until about 6 months after the birth of their baby. We had lunch and listened to one of the women who had formerly lived with them. She was incredible! A year and half ago, she was pregnant, alone in NYC and had no where else to go. Now she has a beautiful daughter, has a full time job in Public Policy a nice apartment and whole-heartedly embraced her faith (She is a 7th Day Adventist).

We then headed back to Stamford after a tour of the house and an afternoon chatting with the sisters there and some of the residents there and their little babies. We were pretty wiped. It had been a long day. But we were not done yet! And God certainly wasn't done with me either. After dinner we had a Eucharist Healing service like last Friday.

This was my moment. I was in a space of consolation. I just simply prayed, "I'm here. I'm listening. I've discerned this, but I'm yours. I will do what ever you ask. How about that neon sign?" I went up to the altar rail, the monstrance was before me. I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders, an overwhelming sense of peace. I went back to the pew. I felt a voice well up from within. (I'm not nuts I'm not hearing voices!) It was not my own voice, but a deeper one. It simply said, "he's waiting for you."

That was it. I had my answer. I am not called to be a sister, I am called to marriage. I wanted to run around singing at the top of my lungs. But of course, we had begun our 24 hour silent part of the retreat. I had this awesome grace and I can't tell anyone! But that was ok! It was bed time after holy hour and evening prayer and I got the best sleep and woke up to a beautiful, clear and warm winter day.

After breakfast and morning prayer we had a conference and then the rest of the day was free for our own personal prayer and reflection as well as meetings with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy or Sr Mary Gabriel. All morning it was little confirmations. The scripture meditations I was following weren't doing it for me. So I reopened my bible and it fell open to the marriage of Tobias and Sarah. I wandered over to the Cardinal O'Connor table and found the only thing he wrote on the vocation of marriage.

I had a meeting with Sr Virginia Joy scheduled for after lunch and as soon as that door closed I was out with it! She was so happy too! We had a good laugh and after I went for a hike through the near by woods, had a nap, then talking ended after dinner and we played a team-charades relay game which was friggin hysterical. We then had Q&A on slips of paper with Sr Antoniana, Sr Virginia Joy, Sr Mary Gabriel and Sr Talitha. Also a lot of fun, especially with the last question. Some smart-arse asked if Sisters shave. It got a drum roll and had all the sisters in stitches.

Sunday rolled around and it was my last day. I was feeling a bit lost and I didn't want to leave! But it was time. I got to hug everyone and drove into the city. I felt at peace. I finally had my answer and it was time for me to go out on my own. I did get a photo with my all time favourite Sister, Sr Mary Karen.

There you have it! I'm not called to be a sister! I'm home soon, but not after a week in NYC, my Birthday and Thanksgiving and hopefully some more snow before heading back on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

What have I discovered?

So its about time I wrote a bit more about what happened over the last couple of weeks. I had an awesome time in Steubenville, unwinding, watching TV, hanging out with mates. Oh how I missed the company of menfolk! I literally spent two weeks with women. Which was wonderful but I have never been that long without the company of boys in my life.

All that aside, I spent a lot of time in prayer. No? You don't say? Yeah, yeah I know... stating the obvious right? On Wednesday I was having a bit of a hard time. I was frustrated and anxious with this whole thing. I just wanted a damn answer! Is that too much to ask? So anyway... around rolled 5pm and it was time for Holy Hour so I went and I threw it (none too gently) at Jesus.

Well I can't really explain what happened... but it hit me. I was such an idiot. The answer was sitting right in front of me on the altar, Jesus. He was it. It didn't matter what I did or who I became. He was the answer, I keep him right there in front of me and nothing else matters. I almost started laughing. The clarity was such a relief, such a weight lifted from my soul. It didn't matter what was ahead, I knew who would be at the centre of it, no matter how good or bad the future might be.

I was safe in his care. He had me by the hand and was taking me on this adventure. Whenever I tripped, it was because I wasn't watching him, I was looking back or somewhere else. But he'd still pick me up and carry on...

So I did have some clarity by the end of the week. When discerning a vocation, there are two questions, question a) do you have a religious vocation? and b) to which community do you belong? The whole time I was with the Mercies. I fell in love with the way they do things, their Charism and their mission. So question b) has an answer, but not question a). I left the Mercies with a sense an image of Jesus sitting there, smirking and saying "Wait for it.... wait for it...."I gave Jesus 6 months, and he's going to use every minute of it. The next adventure is with the Sisters of Life next week. Hopefully he won't keep me in suspense much longer!

Alma Mercy

I arrived in Alma on Monday afternoon at about 4pm, completely missing the motherhouse at first seeing as they are spread out up and down Michigan Ave. It was then grab a quick cup of tea before being thrown straight into the routine with Holy Hour.

I was then fully into the routine with morning prayer being at 4:45 am or 7 am (depending on the day).

It was days filled with lots of chapel time, chores, helping out with the seasonal chores, like processing millions of apples, raking leaves and mowing lawns, attending a couple of classes with the novices and postulants and alternating for dinner between the Postulant, Novice and Convent house. Half of Wednesday was spent at the multi-specialty medical clinic the sisters run.

The official retreat started on the Friday afternoon when the other three retreatants arrived with Sr Mary Hanah, the Vocations director of the Mercy Sisters. It was a really relaxing retreat over all and I felt truly at home with the sisters here. This post is just a quick of what I did when. I'll be posting over the week about what was going on internally too.

Tuesday

It was up for 4:45 am morning prayer, meditation and Mass. It was also freezing cold but I made it to Our Lady of Grace before I turned into an icicle. Mass finished around twenty past seven, with the sun just rising and it was breakfast time before heading back to Our Lady of Grace to help with the apple harvest processing. Sorting and peeling and slicing lots of apples for apple sauce.

It was then their apostolic lunch with all the sisters and anyone else who wants to join. After helping the novices clean up I went back to St Joseph's retreat house, relaxing and doing some reading. 5:10 pm was back to Our Lady of Grace for Holy Hour which is a really lovely way wrap up the day. It was then dinner at Novice house, about 2 blocks down from St Joseph's. 

There are 7 novices currently, including one Australian from Castle Hill and an Italian from Pisa! It was a whirl of names, made all the more confusing because they all had some form of Mary in their name, Sr Mary Rafka, Sr Mary Faustina, Sr Maylea, Sr Pia Marie, Sr Mary Josepha, Sr Mary Elisha, Sr Paul Mary, and their formator Sr Mary Nika. They are all in their first year canonical Novitiate which is spent at the motherhouse in pretty intense formation. We played Bananangrams after dinner (like scrabble but with out the board) and then it was bedtime for me.

Wednesday

It was a later start for me today! With morning prayer with the Postulants scheduled at 8 am in St Thomas Chapel followed by Mass at the clinic and two hours of Adoration in the chapel there. I had St Catherine of Siena's Dialouges and reading the one on prayer. It's not an easy read since it's stream of conscious but she made a lot of sense in talking about the progression to contemplative and mental prayer.

It was a quick lunch in the break room at the clinic and then back to the postulant house. Sr Gabrielle Mary enlisted me in mowing the lawns. So I got the hand mower and did all the nooks and crannies over three hours of their huge block. Then it was holy hour and dinner with the Postulants. There are four of them, Sr Brandy, Sr Nealy, Sr Jennifer and Sr Maria. They have a year for Postulancy which is made up of classes, weekly spiritual formation, and learning about the life and rhythms of the Mercies.

It was then bed and another early start for Thursday!

Thursday

It was an early start with morning prayer and mass. Today I had the morning to myself. It was an apostolic lunch back at Our Lady of Grace and after lunch it was a scripture class with the novices and postulants. One of the retired bishops whose name I have forgotten taught the class. He was an incredibly smart man but also even in his 80s clearly loved being a priest. During the break he pulled me aside for a chat and he was so lovely! It was one of my most special moments on the whole week!

It was dinner that night with the novices and we I got invited to hell! Not literally, but I tagged along for the last of a series they were watching on Dante's Inferno, it was the Last Circle of hell that night so that was fun. It was then crash into bed for a merciful sleep in tomorrow.

Friday

Today was a late start with morning prayer at 8 am. The afternoon was taken up with confession and a ecclesiology lesson with the postulants. Then it was race back to St Joseph's to greet the three new retreatants and Sr Mary Hanah. Sr Mary Hanah arrived fashionably late after Po Yee, Andrea and Kelly had arrived and we'd settled in for banana bread and tea. Sr Mary Hanah gave us a brief introduction to discernment. She gave us a really useful definition of prudence. It has three parts to it, the first is gathering information, the second is making a decision and the third is acting on that decision in good time. The third bit is the critical bit. People often fail to get to the las bit of acting on the decision made. 

It was then off to holy hour and evening prayer followed by dinner with the novices. We got to hear some of the stories from the novices and Sr Mary Nika who is a canon lawyer told some great stories about being sent to Rome to study canon law in Italian not knowing a word of it. She also explained how religious life fits into the life of the Church. We then had a massive game of charades which had us all in stitches and then it was back to St Josephs for bed and a chat.

Saturday

It was another sleep in on Saturday with an 8 am rise for morning prayer and mass and after that it was into work! Raking leaves and making applesauce. Kelly and I teamed up and did raking first. I found a garter snake and a little frog! Then it was to the apples with the novices. We filled about 4 slow cookers full of apples for apple sauce. 

It was then lunch with the whole convent in the Postulant house. All the guest sisters were there, There was a carmelite a poor clare, two missionaries of charity, and two sisters of the holy spirit (They are cloistered order and their habits are pink!)

After lunch it was a tour of the clinic by Mother Mary Rebecca. They have a multi-specialty clinic, with  Mother Mary Rebecca as a general surgeon, Sr Marisha a psychiatrist, three more physicians and a physical therapist. It is an amazing project. Mother Mary Rebecca also begun a specialised wound clinic that specialised in chronic wounds. Another Sister in Knoxville has just put together a mobile clinic to go to the Appalachians. The sisters are also canon lawyers, theologians, and teachers.

It was then dinner at the convent with the fully professed sisters. We spent the dinner learning about the history and the charism of the Mercy sisters. Hearing their stories and was wonderful as was some of the work they were doing. It was then an early night for me and I crashed hard...

Sunday

Sunday it was morning prayer and mass at 8 am followed by breakfast back at the house. It was then rest time and lunch with the Novices and I had a chat with Sr Mary Hanah about how I was going. It was holy hour in the late afternoon followed by dinner with the postulants and a good table time chat about how Postulancy works and hearing some of the stories of their vocation. It was then back to St Joseph's for bed. 

Monday

Monday morning it was time to pack up and head home. Sr Mary Hanah came and had breakfast with us after 5:45 am prayers and mass. We had a nice chat over eggs and toast. After sorting out the house, I said goodbye to everyone and got in the car heading off to Steubenville for a new adventure!

Nashville Dominicans

It is sunday evening in a hotel room in Indianapolis and I have driven four and a half hours to make my way to Alma, Michigan. I spent the weekend in Nashville with the Dominican Sisters of St Cecilia on retreat. It was a huge retreat with about 60 of us all up, all of us discerning something.

It was a glimpse into the life of these sisters, which is one that brings the Medieval monasticism into the 21st Century. Arriving on Friday afternoon, we began with some introductory stuff and a talk by Fr Kirby on Pope Francis and Poverty in Spirit. Then we joined the sisters for evening prayer which is in english, but chanted to an 800 year old tune. I had visions of a slender, tapering gothic church and medieval habits. The last of the sun streaming through the stained glass windows and candles to light the dark corners.

We kept the sister's routine of prayer, mass, mealtimes, silence, talks and recreation, met some lovely girls from all over the US and Canada and spent a lot of time praying and trying to be quiet. Honestly, I was so ready for this retreat but I just felt ill at ease. The sisters are beautiful, joyful and amazing women but I didn't feel quite at home.

As I was leaving on Sunday afternoon, it hit me why I was feeling a bit strange. This is the longest time I have been without any significant masculine presence. Ever. Seriously, I have never been without my guy friends or brothers or uncles, or my dad or my grandfathers being around. I felt a bit coarse and unrefined being around the sisters.

In Virginia Present-Lee

Right now I am sitting in a hotel after a long day of driving.... This is going to be my last post before engaging in an internet black out until the 14th of October while I'm on retreat. I will be making my way first to Nashville, Tennessee for a weekend Jesus Caritas Retreat with the Dominican Sisters of St Cecilia and then make my way up to Michigan and then back home to Philly again. I have a map route here.

I am seriously psyched. I cannot wait! I'm on the way FINAL-LEE! (For the joke, you need to watch 1776: The Musical, you don't know nothing about American History until you've seen it). On the road is awesome too. I have a neat little compact Dodge (surprisingly fuel efficient) and had a lovely time listing to Irish folk music as I cruised the rolling landscape of Shenandoah Valley. Having fantasies about buying one of the farms I was passing and living the rest of my days there... raising some cows, riding my horse... hiking in the woods. I'll update the post after the blackout is over to put it in context.

So I leave you all with a request... a very simple one. Pray for me. Storm heaven if you can. Bug my patron saints, any special person you pray to... Please pray for me, I will need every prayer I can get. Prayers for clarity, serenity and courage all I would like is the next little step. Also praying for a giant neon sign to appear and tell me 'yes' or 'no' too. Not to fussy, either way. Thank you to you all already for your prayers and keep them up!